Distance

~ Iyan Igma

Loneliness had no meaning
Until I fell in love with you;
Growing closer truly felt
Like you were saying that we’re through.

Your touch, devoid of feeling,
Was anesthesia to my soul.
You numbed me with your passion
Till misery consumed me whole.

Oh! the tumultuous absence
Of sincerity in your kiss
Poisoned the sacred mem’ry.
You suffocated me in bliss.

My one desire to spoil you;
Your own desires you did not know.
You lied and strung me along
Instead of letting my corpse go.

For I was dead in your arms,
And being dead, I did not know.
My heart I still thought beating,
Though you had stilled it long ago.

Your love a purgatory
Where I waited and offered prayer.
Your fears kept me in limbo;
Your cold disdain still keeps me there.

Immature? Yes, we both were;
I trusted you and love-naive!
You could not communicate;
You could not let your soul believe

Someone genuinely loved you,
Cared only for your happiness,
Was patient with your failings,
Supported you to reach success.

Perfect you named me often;
I accepted you as you are.
I loved your imperfections
And the strength of your inner star.

I never sought to change you.
Do I deceive myself in this?
I wanted you to open
Your soul up to feel love’s full bliss.

Perfect was not good enough
For you at the end of the day.
All that I am perfect for
Is being idly pushed away.

You could not handle feeling;
Warm passions made you feel afraid.
The moments we connected
You’d turn dispassionate and staid.

When first you said you loved me,
Something soured in your heart.
Perchance it was needing me
That made you feel that we should part.

How many times you told me
There was nothing for us to share!
Then, begged me back while wounded,
Professing now you truly care!

How could I not believe you;
You whispered to my soul its dreams?
Distance was all I ever got back,
For you’d hide yourself more, it seems.

The pearls of precious moments–
The blood diamonds of our romance–
Taint my bitter certainty
That our love never had a chance.

And Perfect I Still Find Her

~ Iyan Igma

In a little house in the village
Where once long ago I have been
My heart is kept enchanted
While my love lies with other men

She sets them free at morning
And never a care does she set
To see them again at evening
For there is someone new to be met

They wander absently unknowing
More than the desires of her flesh
For her heart she has absconded
Though tissue still beats in her chest

She ensorcells herself about with lies
Because, ah, they are easy to bear
Seeking happiness without commitment
Thinking herself no worse for wear

And perfect still I find her
Sullied and deadly may she be
Because I alone have known her
And she buried her heart with me

In the height of folly

~ Iyan Igma

Why do I try to woo you?
I am nothing in your esteem;
I am too kind to be a candidate
Too nice to be your dream

Too open to be your equal
Too loyal to be your mate
Too gentle to be considered
So earnest I earn your hate

Too blind to your imperfections
So content I cause distress
Too patient with all your drama
Too smitten to dare confess

I know you are trying to hurt me
That this will end in my death
So I praise you in the height of folly
Wishing each were my last breath

As you know

~ Iyan Igma

My struggles you shall never know
For before this day is complete
Ravens shall perch upon my pate
And ants will gnaw at my feet

Worms shall meander to and fro
As blind to my sorrows as you
But deep and intimate shall they get
Beneath the skin into the sinew

My heart shall finally fully burst
But not with love requited and kind
But with maggots indifferent as you
Who find my demeanor divine

Microbes will turn me into pus
As I finally learn to let it all go
Liebling, it was only a simple life
I wanted with you, as you know

I lief believe your lies

~ Iyan Igma

In Hell there are no angels
But innocents many there abide
Long deprived of their innocence
By the malice you’ve contrived

Oh, fair and sweet you are seeming
While hell gapes behind your eyes
Ah, pure demoness you are scheming
But angel I lief believe your lies

Once having tasted your dulcet kisses
The flames scarcely torture my mind
So addled with the ghosts of caresses
And passions it shall ne’er more find

For you live eternal and shameless
Oblivious to the pain you sow within
We suffer, your countless nameless,
Having glimpses of your love’s gems

Baptized before day

~ Iyan Igma

Your cum still stains my bedding
But all your affection is gone
And the dreams we shared in flashes
Of tender moments malinger on

Yet you with your scarlet tresses
Have stepped out into the sea
You plummet back into darkness
And riding air bubbles beckon me

You were ecstasy in anguish
You were tears and passions in the sheets
But these stains are the only proof
I tasted how your heart beats

Blackness swallows you and you embrace it
For the abyss to you holds no fear
And you have etched my soul with blackness
Because i sought to cherish and revere.

Burbles call my name on jagged rocks
Where the last breaths you took melt away
And these black rocks will find a friend in me
And our love will be baptized before day

Vječnost

~ Iyan Igma

I blame myself but never you
You’re too innocent to cause harm
Your words were guarded and ever true
I was the one that believed them warm

Times separates us as it must
My head is cradled in my heart’s hands
Awkwardness replaces care and trust
My rapture spills out dead on the sands

The fourth dimension kidnaps me
Your memory lies outside of time
Every moment caustic misery
How quickly your imperfections sublime

Don’t blame yourself, it is my fault
I had to escape the bounds of time
To reach the worlds that you exalt
To know perpetuity divine

Tuga

~ Iyan Igma

Tears, they are made for sorrow
But sorrow is subconscious hope
So, no tears now, my soul, be resolute
There are no illusions with which to grope

She is gone forever and happy
Should you not rejoice in her youthfulness
When she was here you were quite aware
Sorrow tinged every moment of bliss

But she is gone now; be gone sorrow
Let not hope ever stir your soul
Tears can never bring the recompense
That can end you and make you whole

Steel, it is firm and unmoving
Like the heart of the one for whom you care
Steel yourself and be unmoving
Prove to her that you loved not in err

Ljubav

~ Iyan Igma ~ Leave a comment

I thrive on your complications
To love simply is never me
I get ensnared in adulation
And enchanted by complexity

Twould not suffice for you to just love me
Nay, where would the depth of that love be found?
Should we spent each day in sheer elation
I fear that scant love would linger around

For it is the struggle of love that I cherish
I relish the impossibilities
I yearn not for joy I may inherit
But seek out the painful calamities

There are weak ones who seek reciprocation
Who’d retreat from endless peril and distress
While I shall glory in pyrrhic near misses
Full of courage to court you and loneliness

Popadati

~ Iyan Igma

I can wholly care for you like no other
I could truly have given you all your dreams
But dreams are a trifle when you are perfect
So there is nothing I can give you it seems

I could cherish you anon and forever
I know the passage to your chamber of smiles
I am devoted to your felicity
You’re sworn to logic lest emotions beguile

I would love you in grief always and ever
But I will prove my love for you transcends all
When you reach the heights of bliss or mountain crags
The only way to express love is to fall

Dovidenja

~ Iyan Igma

The skies have been painted with scarlet
Violet has stained the lands to the west
Azure tones flee longing for Apollo
And pink hues have opened their breasts
With indigo hues stalking their cousins
As the orange flames die the west
Where yellow embers lie smoldering
Their soft light leaving clouds caressed
On mountains, on seas, and in deserts
By countless sunsets have I been blessed
But because you share this one with me
This is the sunset that I have loved best.

The last star I shall ever see

~ Iyan Igma

The smoke is thick and clouds my mind
There is little light left with which to hope
The sun a distant ember from days gone by
I scan the night through my telescope

Ice sheets bathe the world in blood
Loneliness is the new paradigm
Endless nights I lie awake and wonder
In the myths I believed in for a time

And like the faint twinkle I witness
Believed in beyond my insanity
You resplend in my heart beyond beauty
The last star I know I will ever see

i lost my love at haymarket

~ Iyan Igma

i lost my love at haymarket
i don’t know where she’s gone
for she was mine for a little while
and then she disappeared anon

roosters crow and the sheep bleat
and sea gulls mock me all day long
and every red haired vixen
incites in me her song

down princes street I hear the tune
of brokenhearts marking where she’s gone
the leith walk down to firth on forth
has never felt so empty and wrong

for revelations of splendor
have burned bright into my breast
and though she may have gone uncaring
i care now only for death.

At Yuletide

~ Iyan Igma

I sit inside my own grave.
It’s dark and damp because
My tears fall like snowflakes for
The pain of what isn’t but was.

Festivities ring out below me,
And shoppers dream of silver bells,
And children dream of presents,
Except the ne’erdowells

Like me who have destroyed life
Choice by choice by friend by friend
And have no family to welcome home
Or visit at the year’s dark end.

Salty rain occludes my vision
As “Little Drummer Boy”
Turns into a “White Christmas,”
Followed by “Hark,” “Silent,” “Joy.”

But listen as I might I hear
No joy, silent or otherwise.
All the traditions and songs
Of youth have been but lies.

My family doesn’t want me,
And I’ve no money to see them.
The only things they’d talk about
Are men and why I’m so slim.

“You need to eat more, honey,
The wind could blow you away.”
“Are you seeing anyone new now?
Old maids have no wedding day.”

I’m not anorexic. Why should I eat?
I don’t have enough will to live;
I only nibble enough to survive.
But I’d laugh out something glib

To pretend I hadn’t felt the barb.
And let’s not talk about men;
They all take advantage of me.
I don’t want their sympathy again.

They mock me with their kids
That act so proper and prim.
My brother has a perfect her;
My sister has an upstanding him.

They just want to discomfit me,
But I’ll never let it show.
Their happiness makes me distraught,
So I seek out any beau.

There’s no sex this Christmas;
I couldn’t bear another tryst.
Each time I get hurt worse;
It only hurts once to slit your wrist.

Then, there’s no more pain,
No more heartache and loneliness.
Hell can’t be worse than now
In my socio-emotional abyss.

In fact, it could only be better,
For I’ll end my body’s pain.
I won’t have to live tomorrow;
From fret and worry I’ll abstain.

I’ll need not make more decisions;
I’ll never be hurt by another friend,
Mocked by family, ignored by God,
Or betray my gifts to heartless men.

Not even my mother loves me;
There’s no point in going on.
She should know my pain and call,
But love is muted on the phone.

Let’s have a drink to me tonight,
Perpetually on the naughty list.
Should I choose now the jugular
Or slit useless, petite wrists?

The bathtub. It will drain the blood,
So it’s easier to be rid of me.
That’s all anyone’s ever wanted,
Though I was too hopeless to see.

I brandish the knife curiously—
It’s the present that will unwrap me.
To think we die by such simple means,
When living is a vast complexity!

I can scarcely see my skin
For the salt that stings my eyes.
‘Have some resolve you stupid girl;
Hack away, and silence your cries.

It won’t do to whimper for
For there is nothing for you here.
Why won’t you act? The knife’s so
Close! Don’t be paralyzed by fear.

Do you really want to continue
Being mocked, abused, and ignored?
Each day kills you mercilessly,
Never wiping your blood from its sword.

How many reminders do you need?
No one loves you; Mom will not call.
This isn’t like all the times before,
When you thought, but that was all.

Christmas time calls for red and green;
Your blood and envy paint it true.
Now go ahead, you foolish girl,
I have no more use for you!’

Long slits deep go up my arm;
Pain cries to my head to cease.
My plasma warms the water;
The casket will grant me peace.

There are no tears to mourn me here,
Only gushing tears in my flesh.
It reminds me, oddly, of infantile days,
Of my mother’s soothing caress.

How long have I been here now?
The water’s grown chill; so have I.
I wish I could hear my mother’s voice
Once more before I shortly die.

It’s a struggle now, but I somehow
Manage to drag myself from the tub.
My naked, bleeding body crawls across
The Linoleum floor I used to scrub.

There’s no vitality left in me;
I collapse from hands and knees.
I cannot make myself go,
Despite my curses and pleas.

‘Goodbye, mom,’ I think softly,
Since whispers are now beyond me.
I hope somehow she can hear me,
Know I love her, and be glad I’m free.

I lie here face down as I ebb,
Drawn like the low tide by the moon.
Something prickles at my memory,
And I’m trying to place the tune.

“I’ll be home for Christmas?”
Wryly I think that I’ll be gone.
What is that faint ringing noise?
Is it the last time I’ll hear the phone?

I wonder who it could be?
Just leave a message; I won’t reply,
For I’m drifting off to ether,
And my spirit the stars will pass by.

“Honey, this is your mother calling,”
Those words by tinny noise relayed
Have given me a spark of energy;
Maybe death can be delayed.

I inch ahead with bloodstain smears.
“It’s Christmas Eve. I worry about you.
Call me when you get this message.
Merry Christmas. I love and miss you.”

Her words died out as did my strength,
Finding me ‘neath the Christmas Tree.
Its lights are dark just like my joy.
My veins and stockings are empty.

A yuletide wreath of blood surrounds me;
Sight’s dim; I hear music for the last time.
“So have yourself a Merry Little Christmas,”
And drink to me and “auld lang syne.”

Sop of Saving Bread

~ Iyan Igma

Here, have the last morsel of bread.
You can gnaw on my corpse after.
And when you do, try not to think
Of the one who gave you laughter.

Don’t think of the hugs and kisses,
And whatever you do, don’t cry.
My love is unconditional;
For you, my child, I gladly die.

You must live; you have much to learn
And fantastic sights to witness.
You’ll make it through. Soon rain must come,
And earth will be healed of sickness,

Of the cold but snowless winter
And the drought that thawed in spring’s lieu.
Of the crops that failed all year long,
While our animals perished, too.

My life’s full, though not my belly;
My gaunt body’s ready for rest.
It’s peaceful, slipping to heaven
As my heart stills in my chest.

But you must live to understand
The true happiness of the grown,
And thus understand my last acts
By having children of your own.

Don’t weep; I will watch over you,
And I’ll comfort you in your dreams.
You’ll never be alone here, child,
Even if that is how it seems.”

I Walk These Lonely Hills

~ Iyan Igma

I walk these lonely hills for you
Like a ship adrift at sea,
Wishing you’d come to take the helm
And rescue myself from me.

Bonaparte on Saint Helena
Knew not of my captivity,
Reclusive, exiled from power,
Parted from you, ma sweet cherie.

The leaves have grown, the trees have, too;
My anxiety ever grows
Like blossoms trapped under snow drifts
With tears freezing as they transpose.

Chirping birds call for you in spring,
And we both wait out your reply
So intent we barely notice
That the strong young have learned to fly.

I see the sun seeking by day,
And the moon mourns with me each night.
Often the spirits of the dead
Watch me with pity at twilight.

Years ago now we were to meet
To elope from this dense wildwood.
I wait. Love and hope never die;
If they were true they never could.

That night the storms blew around thick
Like a mine collapsing on me.
Surely the storm kept you away.
Why haven’t you yet come for me?

The wildwood is still undisturbed
Like the love that I have for you,
Though many moons have seen me wait
Unphased by the cold, heat, and dew.

I’ll wait for you, until I die,
And then should you come, love’d heal me,
Unlike the bones of some poor man
Whose love visits him faithfully

On the self-same day that we should
Have had our anniversary.
Her finger’s bare. She kneels. She cries.
Would you cry those same tears for me?

She found him years after I did;
He lies defunct in the ravine.
He must have taken a faux-pas
And stepped right into the unseen.

The more she comes, the more fancy
Starts to run away with my mind.
For though she’s old and weary now,
She looks more like you all the time.

A Miracle Too Soon Gone

~ Iyan Igma

Your family will never heal,
Though you would surely want them to.
They live sad day by painful day,
Never resting in peace with you.

Your suffering’s come to an end,
But you’ve passed the baton to them;
You’re a miracle too soon gone,
An obviously missing gem.

The bonds and roles that you fulfilled
Have left profound and gaping holes
In a family so tightly knit
That ’twas a tapestry of souls.

No parent should e’er have to bear
The tragedy of letting go
Of their greatest creation,
For in death a child should follow

The ones who gave their all for him
And lose part of themselves indeed,
Since you slipped away so young, and
They couldn’t give you what you need.

They think that they have lost you, since
Your spirit long hence has moved on;
They’re still trying to cope with pain
That’s graven into their heart’s stone.

But you are here close and unseen,
A guardian angel to them,
Trying to console and strengthen
Till you’re reunited again.

The irony is that the eyes
That we trust more than faith are blind
To the unexplained love we feel
Subtly subdue the distressed mind

When loved ones liberated from
Life’s pain tell us that all is well.
But their passing makes us empty.
They rest in peace; we rest in Hell.

On the Bed Where We Loved

~ Iyan Igma

Lying in the bed where we loved,
Where respect and appreciation were grown,
And our friendship was improved
Is the greatest torture ever known.

How many decades did we spend
Ill-clad and holding each other tight
Before there came this lonely end?
I miss you so much tonight.

If only I could hold you close,
Your head on my chest, hand in hair,
And hear you slumber in repose,
Then I could heal my heart’s great tear!

You became so much a part of me;
I learned to depend and trust in you.
Waking up, you were still and musky,
While passionate the whole night through.

I watch the ghosts of lovers past
Enjoy what has been taken from me.
I tell them, wishing that it could last,
To enjoy such vibrant intimacy.

Wrinkled skin that once was soft
Whispers across my heartbroken skin,
And no matter whatever the cost,
I’d long to tell you “I love you,” again.

You died today, though months before.
Your side is as cold as it was then
The morning when you woke no more
And my misery did begin.

Without you, I feel so hollow;
You taught me to live and be a man,
And I pray that quickly I can follow,
No longer knowing who I am.

To relive our years is my wish,
And I’d love you even more than before,
Now I know how much I miss your kiss,
Your company, your words, and so much more.

Each night I die without you,
And I awake each morn in hell,
The only thought that gets me through
Is that I might follow you soon, as well.

Omens with a Simple Touch

~ Iyan Igma

The ivy on the window sill
Tried to warn me that you were to leave.
But it mourns not for you,
For it is growing while I grieve.

I wonder how this simple plant
Could be green with apathy,
Indifferent that I have lost
The dearest person there was to me?

I think it’s trying to tell me
That life goes on, and I must grow,
Till another ivy touches the sill,
And I go where the soul’s wind shall blow.

I wonder if there’s life for me,
Since you’ve withered brown and away.
Living in your afterdeath,
There’s so much I long to hear you say!

I wonder at what this plant knows,
That such omens with a simple touch
Were portentous enough to show
How my calm life could change so much.

Ao Morrer

~ Iyan Igma

My harrows, blades, and plows are rusting
In the fields, exposed to the weather
Where I left them. My heart went lusting
For a new labour, as it’s ever

Done, and I forgot about them there
Just like the new project I’d begun,
For I laboured some while it was fair
But hid from the rain and blazing sun.

I left my fields uncultivated,
A million things undone, maybe more.
It’s clear to see my life’s frustrated,
Being too prone to give up and bore.

The One with Whom I Now Lay

~ Iyan Igma

I noticed when we met today
The tragic, nostalgic, longing way
You looked at the one with whom I now lay.

She’d never give in to your whim,
Since she knows that your affection’s slim,
While I dote on her and make her heart brim.

Years hence she gave her heart to you,
And the softness of her body, too.
But you neglected her till she withdrew.

Your heart was bleeding in your eyes,
Seeing how her sun blazes the skies
When cherished as befits a wondrous prize.

So, have the moon you left her for
And brood on treasures that vaults can’t store,
For she’ll lie blithe with me forevermore.

When I Loved You

~ Iyan Igma

None wanted you when I loved you,
For they said that you were too mean,
An eagle that feasted on flesh
And could not be bothered to preen.

Though I discerned your inner jewel,
They saw only the rough of you.
I cut you with my expertise
And your own luster consumed you.

I made you see that you’re wondrous,
The meteor, not the crater,
Your otherworldly charm. You’re an
Infidel to your creator,

For now that I have made fine art,
The art says that it was not made.
You owe so much to my tender love
You immediately betrayed.

Yonder Hollows of Eden

~ Iyan Igma

Near yonder hollows of Eden
By the banks of the rivers four,
A hopeless man lies a-bleedin’
In his own life’s pool on the floor.

God, angels, nor man can save him,
Since it is more than they can do
To witness him groan grave and grim
From where his sister ran him through.

She plunged the knife through his rib cage
And gave it a hideous twist
And was a gleeful sangrephage,
Licking spurts of blood from her wrist.

There have died many knights errant,
But ne’er so heartbroken and blue.
Adam and Eve are our parents,
I’m the lad, and the sister’s you.