Slug came out of his hole in the garden. His extensible eyes looked around for predators. He didn’t see any. Then, he looked on the ground. It had been snowing.

“I’ve never seen snow before!” Slug exclaimed. “I hope it stays for Christmas.”

He rushed as quickly (for a slug) as he could to slither through it, making snow angels. As he was in the process of making a snowball, he began to convulse violently. Slime started to ooze from his body.

“What’s wrong with him,” asked Blue Jay as he frolicked in the birdbath, trying to figure out if Slug was safe to eat.

“He didn’t get the memo,” said Frog puffing on a cigarette compulsively. “It didn’t snow.”

“What an idiot,” said Pigeon as he was pecking at grains of rice.

“Yeah, total retard,” said Seagull as he swallowed bits of Alka Seltzer tablets.

Moral: Slugs shouldn’t play in salt.

Bullfrog woke up on a cool spring day. The sun was shining. The skies were blue. Birds were singing, and the water was warm.

“I don’t remember going to sleep in water,” he said to himself. “Oh well, it feels nice enough. Why mess up a good thing.”

So, he immediately peed in the water. Looking around, he noticed that the water was black, and so was everything immediately around him.

“I must be in a mud hole,” he concluded. “Well, at least it’s too small for crocodiles.”

Bullfrog continued to lie in the water. As the day went on, the water got warmer. But that was normal. He just continued to lie there resting, enjoying “the life” in his new found mud hole.

“See mom, I told you that frogs don’t move if you just slowly turn up the temperature,” a little boy told his mother. She came over to the camp stove and looked at the bullfrog.

Moral: Ignorance is bliss

A young litter of Naked Mole Rats ventured out of their burrows while they were still relatively blind. One of them saw a light flashing “DO NOT WALK.”

‘What a peculiar light. It must be half-broken,’ she thought.

Thus, she went to go investigate. She was hit by a car before she ever made it there. The others saw this, and determined that flashing lights meant death.

Another one saw a white sign that read, “Danger. Explosives.” He figured that since the sign wasn’t flashing, it must be safe. He kept walking ahead while his brothers and sisters made funny faces at the sign, trying to make it laugh. Suddenly a loud explosion rattled them. They decided that white signs meant death.

As they kept walking along, they saw another sign. It wasn’t flashing or white. This one was yellow. It had a picture of a someone dancing on it. They immediately started to swing dance. One of them was slung a little too far, and started slipping across the floor. He knocked over a display and was crushed. The others saw it and thought that yellow signs meant death. They were too scared to stop dancing, though, after what had happened to him. Finally, someone came and took the “Caution, Wet Floor,” sign away, and they continued on their way.

Night had now fallen. As they were walking, they saw another sign. Needless to say, they were hesitant to study it. But it was orange, and that color hadn’t hurt them yet. They couldn’t decipher what “Bridge Out” meant. As they continued walking, they suddenly all started to plummet below. As they felt the air rushing past them, they determined that all signs meant death.

Moral: Learn to Read.

The Wildebeest had just graduated from high school. His family and friends gave him lots of money as presents. Having more money than he’d ever had in his life, he asked his friend the Alpaca what he should do.

“Well, I would buy a monkey. You might never have this chance again.”

So, he immediately went to the nearest monkey emporium.

“Welcome to the Empire’s Monkey Emporium. My name is Fox, I will be your emperor today.”

“Hi, Fox, your Highness. I was looking for a monkey.”

“Do you have any particular kind in mind?”

“Oh, just one that does the basics. You know, scratches itself, picks for lice, and smashes rocks together to the rhythm of Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony.”

“Ah, I have just the one. I have been saving this one for years until I could find someone who could appreciate it. Give me one moment, and I will return.”

The owner could tell that he had no idea how to use his money, so he sold him a howler monkey. He’d been trying to get rid of that thing for quite some time. The racket was unbearable. He’d just never found anyone that stupid before. He charged four times the worth of the monkey, hardly repressing a smile.

“What would you do with your money after you bought a monkey?” the Wildebeest asked the emporium emperor.

“Well, I would go see a magic show.”

“Where could I find one of those?”

“Right next door. I own that shop, too.”

“Oh, thank you. You sure have been some help.”

“Don’t mention it.”

The Wildebeest went next door with his howler monkey. Rabbit was up on stage. He reached into his top hat and pulled out a human. The crowd gasped in amazement. Then, Rabbit started looking for volunteers for his next trick. The howler monkey, on seeing the crowd raise their hands and yell, was not to be outdone. Rabbit saw the monkey and recognized it from the emporium next door. He knew that its owner must have been the biggest nincompoop ever to walk on four feet.
“Yes, you there with the howler monkey. You’ll do nicely.”
The Wildebeest was uncertain about going. But since it meant so much to the howler monkey, he decided to go anyway. He figured that it would help him really get into the show.

“Do you have any insurance on your monkey?” Rabbit asked.

“No, should I?”

“Yes, you can’t go around with monkeys without getting them insured. Plus, this is a very valuable monkey.”

“Oh, I didn’t know that. Where do I go to get insurance on my monkey?”

“I can do that right here. I do home, life, and monkey insurance on the side.”

“Wow, it’s a good thing that I ran into you.”

“Yes, it is. As a favor, you can list me as your monkey’s benefactor.”

“That would be a good idea.”

“Do you have insurance?”

“No, should I?”

“Of course. You can’t volunteer in a magic show without having life insurance. How would you get paid if you died during a trick?”

“Wow. I hadn’t thought about that either.”

“I’ll help you with these forms. You should list me as your benefactor. That way you show your good faith that the trick will work.”

“Okay,” Wildebeest said.

After signing, Rabbit took Wildebeest and his howler monkey up on the stage. They were laid on the table. Then, Rabbit and his lovely assistant sawed them both in half.

Moral: A fool and his monkey are quickly parted.

Donkey was walking through the woods one day. He saw a sign.

“I wonder what the sign says?” he asked himself.

When he got close enough, he saw that it read, “DO NOT STICK YOUR FOOT INTO THE LOOP ON THE GROUND, WHATEVER YOU DO.”

“Sign, you sound just like my mother,” Donkey told the sign. “I’ll show you!”

With all of his pent up anger for his mother, he stuck his foot in the loop. Immediately, the rope snatched Donkey up into the air. As he hung upside down, getting a blood rush, he began to call for help.

“Help!” he cried. “Somebody made me stick my foot into a loop, and now I’m stuck upside down!”

His cries were so bothersome and incessant, that Orangutan, who lived nearby, came by and let him down.

“You’d better be grateful that I have an opposable thumb,” Orangutan told them as he let him down roughly, dropping him on his head. “Next time listen to the sign.”

“You sound like my mother,” Donkey told him, vowing right then and there to disobey the next sign that the read.

Donkey continued to wonder on through the woods without purpose. Pretty soon he discovered another sign. Determined to spite Orangutan, he went up to the sign. It read, “UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU EVER PUT YOUR FOOT IN THE RUSTY METAL BEAR TRAP BESIDE THIS SIGN.”

“I’ll show you, Orangutan!” he shouted. Then, he plunged his foot into the bear trap. Obviously, it snapped shut. Since it hurt something fierce, he began to plead for help.

Orangutan was still the nearest creature. He came near to donkey. Then, he took out some earplugs and began to laugh.

Moral: A fool never learns from his mistakes; a wise man learns to laugh at him.