Every Soothing Iniquity

With sin and darkness as my bedfellows
I rested trouble-free and calm,
And every soothing iniquity
Was my soul’s own healing balm.

With Satan as my comrade,
I had such faithful company.
My heart was ne’er sorrowed nor sad,
And I faced life courageously.

But when I tried to lie in faith
Amidst such Christian company,
My face grew long and my heart wan,
And there was naught to comfort me.

A Unity of Faith

The sun was high in the sky, and its light glinted off of the tin Star of David the figure wore. Beneath his stetson, the Jew saw the ranch on the horizon. It was a welcome sight, since the desert was already warm. There would be water at the ranch. Perhaps there would be a decent meal. With luck the rancher would let him sleep in the hay in the barn for the night. It would beat sleeping on his saddle blanket, fearing what might be crawling over him, into his boots, or underneath his chaps. He spurred his horse, and they eagerly rode ahead. Dust rose up in little clouds behind the hooves that skirted the sagebrush as best as they could.

As he approached, he began to see foreboding signs. He hadn’t noticed the faint tail of smoke rising into the air at first. Perhaps that was due to the shimmering haze that the heat gave to the land. The windows were broken, and the door to the main building was hanging open. He was horrified to see several bodies lying out in the ranch yard. His stomach turned as he grew close enough to see that a woman and children lay face down on the ground with arrows sticking out of them. It was apparent that they had been scalped. It only confirmed his worst fears—Christians had been here.

Though he was certain that there would be no warm meal, he continued to the ranch. It would be a little safer to be here than in the countryside at the moment. The Christians were unlikely to return to the scene of this raid soon. He rode to the corral and tied up his mount. He could see that the barn was empty. No doubt the Christians had taken the cattle and horses in their raid. With little hope that perhaps someone was still alive, he began to check the bodies. The women and children were dead. There was no doubt about it. Surely they didn’t live so far from civilization alone.

The Jew walked toward the main building, dreading what grotesque thing he would find inside. The smell of smoke from a burned down building, no doubt a storehouse, pervaded the air. He pushed the ajar door to the side and entered. Sprawled face down on the floor was a figure of a man. Blood oozed about him, but he still had his scalp. They must not have taken it because he was bald. He rolled the man over, and discovered that he had a pulse. He tore his shirt to make bandages for the various wounds that he suffered. The injured man’s eyes fluttered open.

“Who are you?” the injured inquired.

“I’m a Jew.”

“Why are you helping me?”

“I had to prove the Chrisjuns wrong about their story of the Good Samaritan.”

“But I’m not a Samaritan. I’m Muslim.”

“I didn’t say that you were a Samaritan. The Samaritan wasn’t the victim. Just humor me. In their story of the Good Samaritan, they said that a Jew wouldn’t stop to help anyone. They must think that we care only for money.”

“I am grateful that you did stop to help me. I didn’t think anyone would ever find me. The Christians don’t know much, apparently. Everyone has feelings and bleeds the same. A Jew can have as much compassion as anyone.”

“Thank you. Can you tell me what happened here?”

“We were raided. It was at the end of Ramadan. My family and I had been fasting all month, eating light foods like soup at night. We were gathered together in our best, to feast and celebrate. It was Eid ul-Fitr, after all—the day we break the fast. The Christians came. We couldn’t see them because the new moon didn’t offer much light. We heard something at the door, and at first we thought the Christian boys and girls were just coming to trick-or-treat. But then we realized that the pagan Halloween was not for two and a half more weeks. By then it was too late. I tried to fight them off at the door, but they overpowered me.”

Then, his eyes grew big, and he exclaimed, “My wife and children! Are they okay? Have you seen them? They escaped out the back as I was fighting.”

The look of sorrow that covered the Jew’s expression told the Muslim what he feared most.

“They’re dead, then?”

“Yes. I found them outside as I was coming in.”

The obviously distraught Muslim began to lament. But it cannot be held against him that he was less of a man. After all, sorrow is a natural part of loss. If there was no sorrow, then there was never any love. Then, he asked a peculiar favor.

“Can you help me face the Kaaba in Mecca so that I might pray? I need to express my gratitude.”

“What do you have to be grateful for? Your family has been slain.”

“Everything happens according to His will. I submit to that will. I trust that greater blessings that I cannot comprehend will ultimately result from any bad consequences such as this.”

The Jew would not argue with his faith. He himself had his own set prayers. As he positioned the Muslim, he wondered, as that secret part of him always had when facing Jerusalem, whether or not one could technically face it either east, west, north, or south, with some variation? Wouldn’t you technically be able to look toward it in any direction, though that might require a larger distance across the globe? Nevertheless, he kept his thoughts to himself and helped the weakened Muslim orient himself toward Mecca. Thankfully, he knew the basic direction since Jerusalem was in the general vicinity.

As the Muslim began to pray, the Jew realized that it was indeed midday. He went off apart so that he wouldn’t be disturbed. Then, he too began to pray while standing. After his observance of prayer was finished, he decided to return to the Muslim. As he was walking back to the house, he discovered that there was a covered wagon on its way. He ran back to the Muslim and informed him that they would have company.

Two nondescript men wearing nondescript dark suits with white shirts and ties guided a nondescript Conestoga wagon that was pulled with a few yoke of oxen. They halted at the ranch. The men jumped down, apparently worried about the fate of those in the ranch yard. As they hurried on foot toward the women and children, the Jew stopped them.

“They’re no longer with us.”

The two men spun around to find the source of the voice. They spotted the Jew leaving the main building, and visibly relaxed, sensing that he was no threat.

“What happened here?” one of the strangers asked.

“Chrisjuns.”

That was all that needed to be said. Everyone knew what they were capable of.

“How long ago did it happen?”

“It happened last night. I found the rancher inside. Muslim. He’s hurt badly, but he told me what happened.”

“Can you take us to see him?”

“Yes, he’s just in here.”

When they went in, one of the strangers went to the Muslim’s side. He whispered something into his ear.

“Yes, I have faith in Allah, the protector.”

The stranger then motioned to his companion. He pulled a small vial of oil out of his pocket. He put a few drops of oil on top of the Muslim’s head, and said a prayer. Then, his companion took the lead in a separate prayer. When they finished, the Muslim seemed visibly stronger.

“Maybe you were sent this way on purpose.”

“Let’s just say that it was for a reason. We felt prompted to come this way early this morning. We got up and prepared our team, and we rode for several hours in the night.”

“We are just sorry that we didn’t make it here in time to do more.”

They stood together, brothers in this sorrow. Three strangers trying to lift another’s burdens. But they had little time to stand idly. They set about to bury the deceased before sundown. They finished with a few hours to spare.

“What do we do now?”

“We wait here for a few days.”

“Why?

“Today is Friday, which was your holy day, I believe,” said the Jew.

“You are correct,” the Muslim replied.
“The Sabbath begins for me at sundown,” said the Jew. “Then Sunday is the day of rest for these Mormon, isn’t it?”

“Yes, it is,” one replied.

“How did you know we were Mormon?” asked the other.

“You must be,” the Jew said looking at their name tags. “You brought a wagon. You came prepared.”

“Oh. I can see your point.”

They got prepared for their Sabbaths, and spent the next few days at the ranch. It was a pensive time for all. Despite their religious differences, they got to know each other a little more.

“Where are you going?” the Muslim asked the Jew.

“West. There’s surely plenty of opportunities for a banker or jeweler.”

“May I come with you?” the Muslim asked. “There is nothing for me here now.”

“Yes,” replied the Jew. “I could use the company. These are perilous lands to travel, what with these Chrisjuns.”

“We should all stick together for safety sake,” said one of the Mormons.

“Well, it would sure be good to have a guide in this territory. Your people did pioneer this area, didn’t they?” the Jew asked.

“Largely,” replied one of the Mormons.

“They didn’t have much of an option. The Christians had driven them out of every rightful land they owned. They killed their leaders and women and children. Sometimes they did worse,” the other Mormon replied.

“My people knows about Chrisjun persecution, too,” the Jew replied, thinking of centuries of Anti-Semiticism in Europe and other places in “Christendom.”

“So does mine,” the Muslim commented. “My people should have persecuted them to extinction in Europe centuries ago, long before they started the ‘Crusades,’ which were a poor excuse for butchery in the name of God.”

Monday after prayers were said, they set out for the West. The Muslim had no horse to ride, and he was still slightly frail. Thus, he rode in the wagon with the Mormons. The Jew decided to enjoy the present company, and hitched his horse to the back of the wagon. He rode inside with the others. They had a deep religious heritage to discuss. The Muslim talked about how he believed his religion was the pure religion that God had taught to Adam and Abraham and others. It had been restored after the world had corrupted it. The Mormons commented that they also believed that their religion was a restoration of the original teachings of Adam, Abraham, and other prophets. It was not a point of contention but of comprehension.

“So, where are your wives at?” the Jew asked the Mormons.

“Oh, we’re not married,” one responded, obviously a bit flustered.

“Surely you must have dozens,” continued the Jew.

“No. We don’t practice polygamy any more.”

“Personally, I believe in having multiple kids, not multiple wives. Can you imagine how trying that would be?” the other Mormon commented.

“Yes,” said the Jew. “One woman is definitely bad enough as it is.”

“Makes you wonder how Abraham and other prophets managed it,” commented one of the Mormons.

“I wouldn’t want to find out,” replied the Jew.

“It’s interesting though,” commented the Muslim. “That the Christians would disdain the practice as ungodly, when their leaders and prophets like Moses once practiced polygyny, as was recorded in their Bible. It makes you almost wonder if they read it.”

“Well, I’m just grateful that we don’t have to worry about it anymore. You can tell from what happened with Abraham and Jacob alone that it was a hardship,” one of the Mormons quipped.

“Well, some of my people still practice it,” the Muslim replied.

“Poor devils,” one of the Mormons said under his breath.

That commenced an awkward silence that lasted a while. They rode along for several days, taking only brief stops for prayer morning, noon, afternoon, evening, and night. It gave the Jew ample time to incorporate his Amidah. The Mormons took the opportunities to pray as it was occasioned, being neither indisposed to pray often nor strictly regimented as to the particulars of prayer.

They camped at night and built a small campfire suitable enough to cook from. Each read from their scriptures. From time to time, they would share tidbits of what they were reading, of what impressed them.

“One of my favorite sections of the Quran is in found in the Surah Ahzab verses 41 to 43.

“’O ye who believe! Celebrate the praises of Allah, and do this often;

“’And glorify Him morning and evening.

“’He it is Who sends blessings on you, as do His angels, that He may bring you out from the depths of Darkness into Light: and He is Full of Mercy to the Believers.'”

“That is beautiful,” one of the Mormons responded. “It reminds me of something from the Book of Mormon. It’s found in Alma 26:35-36.

“’Now have we not reason to rejoice? Yea, I say unto you, there never were men that had so great reason to rejoice as we, since the world began; yea, and my joy is carried away, even unto boasting in my God; for he has all power, all wisdom, and all understanding; he comprehendeth all things, and he is a merciful Being, even unto salvation, to those who will repent and believe on his name.

“’Now if this is boasting, even so will I boast; for this is my life and my light, my joy and my salvation, and my redemption from everlasting wo. Yea, blessed is the name of my God, who has been mindful of this people…'”

The other Mormon added, “There is a passage from Isaiah that is also quoted in the Book of Mormon that I like. It’s in Isaiah 12:1-6, or 2 Nephi 22:1-6.

“’And in that day thou shalt say, O LORD, I will praise thee: though thou wast angry with me, thine anger is turned away, and thou comfortedst me.

“’Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid: for the LORD JEHOVAH is my strength and my song; he also is become my salvation.

“’Therefore with joy shall ye draw water out of the wells of salvation.

“’And in that day shall ye say, Praise the LORD, call upon his name, declare his doings among the people, make mention that his name is exalted.

“’Sing unto the LORD; for he hath done excellent things: this is known in all the earth.

“’Cry out and shout, thou inhabitant of Zion: for great is the Holy One of Israel in the midst of thee.”

When the Jew heard this, he remarked, “That’s a very similar translation to what is found in the Nevi’im in the Tanakh. It’s always made me think of Exodus 15:2.

“’The LORD is my strength and song, and He is become my salvation; this is my God, and I will glorify Him; my father’s God, and I will exalt Him.'”

Before they could share anymore this particular night, they were interrupted. There was rustling in the brush, and in the distance could be heard the whinnies of horses. Suddenly, from the night stepped a figure. The flickering light of the campfire played across his face, revealing distinct features and a cross hung around his neck. It was no doubt a Chrisjun. Everyone was taken aback. One of the Mormons, acting as a guide, stepped forwards.

“How, Christian,” he said, raising his right hand to the square.

“How, heathen gentile. We have come to barter.”

“What have you come to barter for? Do you want beads? I’m sure we have plenty,” the Mormon replied.

“We have come to barter for your lives. We do not want your petty beads. We want firewater, or you will die.”

That started a small commotion. The Mormon who had been addressing the Christian turned around obviously flustered.

“Do you have any firewater?” the Muslim asked the other Mormon.

“You know I don’t drink,” he replied.

“Neither do I,” replied the Muslim a little dispirited.

“Got you covered,” the Hebrew replied.

The Jew went back to his horse, which was still hitched to the wagon. He fumbled around in the saddle bags for a moment. Clinking and clanking could be heard. Then he returned rather triumphantly with a few miniature bottles in tow.

“This is not enough for my braves,” the Christian replied.

“I’m sorry. I only practice it in moderation,” the Jew said sheepishly.

“Do none of you drink? Then you must give something to atone for this failing. You must give us pork. It is good for the body. It is good for the feast.”

“No it isn’t good for the body,” replied the Muslim. “It is forbidden.”

“I don’t have any either,” the Jew replied. “It’s not Kosher.”

Their eyes and hopes turned to the Mormons. Surely they too were not commanded to abstain from pork. Surely they could save them.

“I have a little, though you should only eat it in moderation,” replied one of the Mormons. He went to the back of the wagon and began to rustle around. He came back with some salt-cured pork.

“This is not enough,” the Christian said gruffly. “You will have to die.”

Those were not the words any of them longed to hear. They were less welcome than Satan in heaven. A bit of strained desperation became apparent in their countenances.

“Mormons, what else do you have in that wagon? Surely there’s something that will appease this Christian,” said the Jew.

“I doubt it. It’s mostly crates and barrels full of copies of the Book of Mormon.”

“You weren’t inspired to bring something else?” the Muslim asked.

The Mormons shook their heads. One replied, “Inspiration is a funny thing, you see. You never can tell why you are inspired to do things. Nor can you rely on inspiration alone to provide what you need for every contingency. Sometimes you have to think ahead for yourself.”

“So we see,” replied the Muslim dryly. “What about you, Jew. Anything else useful in your saddle bags?”

“No, just beads. I was told they would be useful in bartering with Christians. Apparently I was wrong.”

“We go now,” the Christian said. “We will eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow, you die.”

With that, he crept out of the light of the fire. They watched him as he disappeared into the night carrying his pork and firewater. The mood he left behind was sour and apprehensive. The shouts of victory for his conquest and the clamor from his party did little to ease their minds. How many Christians were there?

“Bloody Chrisjuns,” the Jew said.

“Savages,” spat the Muslim.

“They say they worship the Judeo-Christian God. But their God is nothing like Mine. We know who ours is, but we dare not speak His name,” remarked the Jew.

“Have you noticed that each tribe of Christians says God is something different? Their doctrines differ, too. For example, some say that God is love, yet they say He hates His children. Some say all are His children. Some say only the faithful are His children. Others say that only Jesus was His Son, so we have no relationship with Him,” commented the Muslim

“Yes, I’ve noticed. Some say that He fills the universe. Others say that He fits inside the heart,” replied the Jew.

“Some say that He wasn’t created but always existed. Some say that Mary is His mother, and she reigns supreme, and they worship her, for good measure. Some say that He is just a spirit. Some say that He had a body, rose again to take flesh, and then died again to get rid of His body,” added the Muslim.

“Some think He was a wine-bibber, others a saint,” said the Jew.

“Some say that the Father took upon Himself flesh and called Himself the Son, though He was still the Father. Some say that there was a Father who had a Son, and the Son came and took upon Himself flesh and the sins of the world. Some say that God is three persons stuck together like someone who has multiple personalities; others say there are three distinct persons with the title of God. Some say that He is one being, and yet He sits at His right hand, or maybe it was on His right hand. I wonder if it would eventually go numb? In any case it is foolish to believe that someone can sit at their right hand or that they should sit on their right hand,” averred the Muslim.

“It is a confusing creed. Yet, they were warned of Christ that none of them can expect to truly know who they are and for what they are destined, or rather have their eternal life, until they can figure out who God really is,” the Jew stated.

“I do not find necessary to imagine who He is in order to worship Him,” commented the Muslim. “But at least I know His order of things, I know the order of His church.”

“That is something that is well to establish. But the Christians have yet to really determine the structure of their church. After all, some believe in an apostolic church, and yet have no apostles. Some believe that there are prophets, and others believe that there aren’t any prophets. But these same ones take their shamans’ words to be the word of God. Most just don’t really take the time to believe in much of anything besides what their shamans tell them. They just go because they were raised in the tradition and don’t have the desire to study more.”

“Some believe in a resurrection, yet by the same token don’t believe that they will have bodies when they are resurrected. Others don’t believe in a resurrection at all,” the Muslim remarked.

“Some believe in baptism by immersion, others believe in sprinkling. Some believe that baptism isn’t necessary to get into heaven, mocking what Christ taught. Others believe that it is so necessary that infants must be baptized or eternally lost.”

“Some say that they will be caught up to live in heaven. Others say that heaven will be here on earth.”

“Some say miracles have ceased. Others will say they have not and charge you a price to see if they are right or not.”

“Some say they are responsible for the sins of Adam and Eve; others say that they are only accountable for their own. Some say you must only believe to be saved. Others say that you must believe, as well as do what has been commanded.”

“Some forbid to marry, drink, or eat meat, others practice each excessively.”

“Some believe in communalism, others in materialism.”

“Some believe you go to heaven or hell after death, others to purgatory.”

“Some believe in taking the sacrament of the Lord’s Supper weekly, others do it yearly if then.”

“Some believe in washing feet, others in anointing heads.”

“Some believe in taking hold of snakes; others in taking hold of their senses.”

“Some say you forget your family in heaven; others hope you won’t. Some are married until death them parts but don’t realize what this means.”

“Some think God is white; others say God is black. Some say He is male, and a few believe that He is female. They worry about that more than purifying themselves of their sins and trying to follow His commandments.”

“Some abhor traditions, and others place more faith in traditions than in the scriptures.”

“Some keep the Sabbath on Saturday, most on Sunday, and many don’t keep it either way as soon as they leave the church doors. Some treat religion as a way of life. Others only warm a pew on Sunday so that they can feel good about what they do the rest of the week. Others don’t bother coming, thinking that it is not essential, though they might occasionally attempt to pray or read to justify this practice.”

“Some pray to a being that their religion has yet to truly define in any understandable manner, and others think it might be a good idea to do it, and they’ll get around to it one day”

“Some believe in fasting, others in gluttony.”

“Some love God, some fear God, some hate God, many are just ambivalent.”

“Some believe that spreading the gospel is a vacation, some believe that it is a duty, and some some don’t consider it.”

“Some believe in paying tithes, others alms, others any amount they deign, and others in just paying their shamans. They figure that most of it would wind up in his pockets anyway.”

“Some say love thy neighbor. Some say love thy neighbor, but destroy anyone who does not share the same religious tenets as you do.”

“Yes, the tribes of Christianity are quite confusing.”

“Why are you so silent, Mormons?”

“Didn’t you know? They’re part of a tribe of Christianity,” the Jew stated.

“Really, Mormons?” There was both curiosity and new suspicion in his eyes.

“Well, it depends on whom you ask. They wouldn’t accept us, though our beliefs overlap in many areas. They think that just because we actually have firm concepts on whom and what we believe, and because we have prophets, apostles, and priesthood authority that we’re an enemy.”

“The lack of confusion probably scares them,” quipped the Jew.

“I wouldn’t have thought that you thought you were Christian. You don’t have crosses,” the Muslim replied.

“Well, I’m pretty sure that if Abraham had been forced to slaughter Isaac or Ishmael on the mountain top, he wouldn’t have a carried the dagger around his neck to remind him day and night. I doubt God likes to look on the implement of His Son’s sacrifice in any other light. Besides, many tend to worship the cross more than the Crucified. It is often just an empty symbol for them.”

There was another gap in conversation, as they lay reflecting on the night’s happenings.

“Maybe angels come for our souls tomorrow. But maybe we prevail, Insha’Allah,” the Muslim said out of the blue.

“Well, at least we know that any pangs of death will be swallowed up in the glories of the resurrection,” commented one of the Mormons.

The Jew wasn’t sure if he believed in the resurrection or not. Perhaps tomorrow he would find out.

“I think we should fast tonight,” one of the Mormons said to the other.

“But it’s not the first Sunday,” the Jew quipped.

“Still, it’s a time of great need,” the other Mormon replied. “Fasts don’t have to be done strictly only on a set day, because that puts the emphasis on the day and not the reason. Sometimes the reason is just to increase spirituality. Other times, it is a matter of sickness, or a matter of life or death.”

“I will fast with you tomorrow, Mormons,” the Muslim added. “I do not care that it is a day of battle. I do not know if I will make it to the end of the fast or not. But I would like to. After all, I still have five other days left to fast this month. But, be that as it may, I will submit to the will of Allah.”

“Isn’t that what Islam means?”

“Yes, and Muslim means one who submits to God’s will.”

“I believe we will all have to be Muslims in that sense tomorrow.”

The next morning, as the Muslim was saying his Salah, they were attacked. This was a definite disadvantage, since it was one less man to aim a weapon. They were already at a disadvantage since they couldn’t very well circle the wagon. Arrows whizzed around him and one lodged into the dirt. The report of the rifles was deafening.

“I’m kind of in the middle of something,” the Muslim remarked, interrupting his prayer.

“Sorry, we’ll try not to disturb you too much with our deaths,” the Jew commented.

The shootout was over before it began. They only had limited ammunition as it was. Though several of the Christians fell, it was not enough. They were forced to surrender.

“Thank you for finally giving me some peace to finish my prayers,” the Muslim said rising. “Now, give me a gun and we’ll send these Christians to their God.”

It was about that moment that he realized that his side had lost and the battle was over. A Christian came over to him. It seemed to be the same one from the previous night, though now he wore a full headdress and war paint. The Christian pistol-whipped him. The Muslim collapsed to the ground. The Christian stood looking over his body for a few moments.

“I think he’s waiting to see if he’s going to turn the other cheek,” the Jew commented softly.

Two Christians came and picked up the Muslim. They laid him across a horse. Then, they let the Mormon and Jew walk behind through the desert as prisoners.

“He was right. Sometimes the blows we receive in this life can bring us greater blessings in the long run,” the Jew said, grumbling about the dusty trek.

They were taken back to the Christian village. Everyone gawked at these strange prisoners. As they walked through the settling, scalps were seen hanging from the doorways. They were finally taken to be seen by the shaman. When they reached his lodgings, he was nowhere to be found. After waiting about an hour, the shaman pulled up in a brand new Rolls Royce. He exited the car, revealing a man in an expensive Armony suit. He came into the chapel and asked why he had been summoned from his mansion. When he found out who the captives were, he merely said,

“You will die, heathens.” He never bothered to ask anything more.

“But we are not without God,” protested the Muslim.

“But you are without money. My braves have already checked. Your words will not convince me,” replied the shaman.

“Then, we die as martyrs,” commented one of the Mormons.

“A martyr’s death is well rewarded,” the Muslim said.

The Jew, however, was not so certain that death of any sort was well rewarded. He was still half-unsure if there was a resurrection. So it passed that they were taken forcefully to the tribal gathering place. The shaman began with a prayer. As the tribe chanted, he passed around plates for a collection to pay for the expenses of the day. The shaman then told the tribe that today would be a glorious day, for they would have the honor of ridding the world of a few more heathens. The tribe was ecstatic. Some braves notched their bows and a few others readied their tomahawks for the scalping.

“Do you have any last words? Have you been born again?” the Shaman asked them.

“Yes, I believe in Christ. I know that He is my Savior,” one of the Mormons said.

There was a loud “Praise God!” from the half-astonished crowd.

“We are not heathens,” the Mormons continued, increasingly earning “Amens” and “Hallelujahs.” “We all believe in God, in our own way. We are not so much different, you and us, for we are His children. We should treat each other with kindness, as Christ would treat us. The way to change a man’s beliefs is not through violence. It is not with force. It comes from seeing good examples. It is not with well-prepared arguments. Why should we believe in the words of a man, when man is fallible? We must instead trust in what God tells us. The Spirit can witness to our souls if what we are told is true or not. Only then should we believe.

“We should act better than this, brothers and sisters. We should have a better fraternity. After all, we all profess to be People of the Book. Let us look to the Book, to the words of the Master. He commanded us not to judge each other, for judgment is his.

“Remember the instance when the woman who had been taken in the act of adultery was brought before the Savior while He was in the temple? He was questioned if she should be stoned to death according to the Law of Moses. What was His response? Was He rash and hasty in judgment? Did He condemn the sinner to die? How wise was His response, ‘Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.’ Was there anyone there that could cast a stone? None of the men that had brought her could stone her. The Redeemer was the only one without sin, and He did not condemn her. So, it is in much the same way that I say unto you, my brothers and sisters, ‘Let he who is without sin [shoot the first arrow.]'”

The tribe was in shock. In the process of shouting “Amens and “Praise Jesus,” they had been tricked. This Mormon had made them remember that they weren’t perfect either. They had no right to judge or condemn. Quite saddened, they began to unnock the arrows and sheathe their tomahawks. One of the braves began to untie the four prisoners. As he did, the shaman sent the collection plates around to cover the expenses of preaching, and offer a minimal love offering to their new found brothers.

“Allāhu Akbar!” the Muslim shouted.

“You said it. God is the greatest,” the Jew agreed.

They were given back their possessions. Then, they continued on their way, unharmed by this Christian threat.

A Teenage Girl in the Garden of Eden

“Gosh, guys are so frustrating! It’s like I’m not even here! I wish that I could just be in a place where things were a little simpler,” she screamed into her pillow.

After screaming a few more times, she decided that she would call her friend and vent to her. Maybe they could make up some juicy gossip to spread around school about Dan. He was just making her life miserable, and he deserved anything that they could come up with. She lifted her head, and was shocked to see that someone had redecorated her room.

“Horrible motif,” she said, getting up to look around the room. “This is just creepy. How did my room change so drastically? Those leaves look almost realistic.”

A bird came by flying beside some butterflies.

“I must be on one of those reality shows. This isn’t funny guys. I want my boy band posters back now!”

But no one seemed to hear her.

“This is really bizarre. Mom would have normally been up here to tell me to stop screaming by now. I would have already slammed the door in her face, too. Where is my door anyhow?”

Nowhere in the vegetation could she find her door.

“This place is just bizarre. Let’s see what is here.”

As she walked, she was taken with the beauty of the place. It was nice, in an outdoorsy, earthy kind of way. A mall would have been far better. But there were plenty of animals. It was like a zoo without cages or annoying little kids and horrid smells. Plenty of fruit hung on the trees. As she wound her ways through this paradise state, she ran into a man. Boy, was he gorgeous.

“Hi, who are you?” he asked.

She didn’t know what to say at first. She was still in shock. Here was the most handsome man that she had ever seen. But he wasn’t wearing any clothes. She was sure that she was four shades of red.

“Are you okay?” he asked again, obviously worried about the color-shifting creature.

“I, um, yes. I’m okay. I just wasn’t expecting to find anyone else here in this naked, um, neck of the woods.”

“Oh, I know what you mean. I wasn’t expecting to see you either. Usually it’s just Eve and I. So, you’re new here then?”

“Yep. Just got off the boat.”

“There was a boat?” he said, his eyes getting wide. “Can I see it?”

“No, not really. It’s just an expression,” she said, still trying to keep eye contact.

“Oh, that’s too bad. What’s your name?”

“Yurisa.”

“Hi, Yurisa. That’s a nice name. My name is Adam.”

“Adam? Your name is Adam? Is this some kind of joke?”

“No, it’s really Adam. Have you heard of me or something?”

“Oh, uh, yeah. I’ve heard of you and Eve.”

“Are you an angel?”

“You sure are sweet.”

“I am?”

“Oh, never mind. It’s just an expression.”

“You sure are different,” Adam said. “Nothing like Eve.”

“Well, I’m pretty sure we have some things in common.”

“Oh, I guess. But Eve doesn’t talk funny like you do. She doesn’t have whatever it is that you’re wearing either. What’s it called?”

“Oh, this?” Yurisa asked, pointing to herself. “These are clothes.”

“Why would you want clothes?”

“To cover yourself up, so you won’t be naked.”

“Doesn’t seem like it’s too necessary to wear clothes. You don’t seem to be covering up much more than I am.”

“Well, I’m covering up what’s important. There are some things you just don’t walk around without hiding. You just can’t go around naked!”

“Why not? It’s comfortable.”

“Yeah, but it’s bad. You can get into trouble for being naked.”

“Really? I better tell Eve. Do you want to stay here and pet my sheep?”

Yurisa giggled a bit, and Adam looked at her like she was strange. She decided to follow along to meet this Eve. She’d heard a lot of things about her, mostly bad. When they found Eve, she was just coming out from behind a tree.

“Whatcha doing, Eve?” Adam asked.

“Oh, just irrigating,” Eve said.

“Oh, great idea. I need to go irrigate, too. Eve, I’d like you to meet Yurisa. She’s new here. She’s got something to tell you about clothes.”
With that, Adam sprinted off to find a tree.

“Hi, Yurisa,” Eve said. She was easily the most beautiful woman that Yurisa had met.

“Hi, Eve. You’re beautiful, you know that?”

“Well, I don’t know about that. God doesn’t make anything ugly, but I don’t know about beautiful.”

“No, you’re beautiful. Hasn’t Adam ever told you?”

“No, he just talks about the animals and such.”

“Oh, well there’s the problem. Do you know why he doesn’t tell you how beautiful you are?”

“Because he’s a guy and doesn’t like to express his emotions?”

“No, it’s because you’re not wearing any clothes.”

“Oh, what are clothes?”

“Clothes are like the things I have on now.”

“And it makes you look beautiful to guys to wear clothes?”

“Yes, if they’re fashionable, because it makes them think about you not wearing any clothes.”

“That sounds confusing.”

“Yes, but it’s just how guys’ minds work. They’re complicated.”

“Tell me about it. He likes petting his sheep more than he likes spending time with me.”

“We’ll change that. But first we have to find something to go with your eyes.” Yurisa began to look around. “Ah, yes, fig leaves will do quite nicely.”

Adam had returned by this point, and Yurisa shooed him off. She told him she’d go find him later. They set to work with the fig leaves, determined to make Eve beautiful. After some time had passed, Yurisa went looking for Adam.

“Adam, Adam, where are you?”

“Over here petting my sheep.”

“Ah, figures,” Yurisa mumbled to herself. “Adam, we’ve got a surprise for you.”

“Really? What is it?”

“Well, I can’t really tell you. I have to show you. We made Eve some clothes.”

“Oh, well, that’s nice. I’ll see them later.”

“No, Adam, you have to come now. Just leave your sheep alone for five minutes. It’ll be okay. Eve needs you to tell her which outfit looks best. She’ll try them on, and you’ll pick. But remember, no matter what it looks like, you have to tell her that she looks beautiful. Okay?”

“I guess. It sounds like a lot of work, though.”

“It’ll be worth it. Besides, if you don’t come, you’ll make Eve sad. You don’t want her to cry, do you?”

“Fine, I’ll go,” Adam assented.

They made their way over to where Eve was. In the time since he had left, they had built a runway of sorts for Eve to walk down. Yurisa had taught her how to strut and turn. She told Eve that it would make him think that she was beautiful. She sat Adam down in front, whispering to him to act impressed. Then, Eve came and tried her best runway walk. It was laughable to Adam. The clothes seemed pointless. But he couldn’t tell her that.

“So,” Eve said as she finished her runway debut, “Which outfit did you like best?”

Adam thought hard. “Oh, um, the one with the fig leaves.”

“They all had fig leaves!” Eve replied.

He remembered what Yurisa had told him, “And they all made you look beautiful.”

“Really?” Eve said.

“Yes. May I go now?” Adam said, twitching uncomfortably.

“Yes, because we need to have some girl time,” Yurisa said.

“Okay,” Adam said, fleeing hurriedly away. It didn’t matter where, he just wanted to leave quickly before they tried some other sort of nonsense. Little did he know that they would make him fig leaves to wear later.

Yurisa sat on a lion, combing Eve’s hair.

“See, Eve, I told you the clothing thing would work.”

“Yes, you did. He told me I was beautiful. Each outfit made me look beautiful to him. I wish I would have worn clothes before.”

“Well, there’s more to being beautiful than just clothes. I have plenty I’ll have to teach you about being mysterious. I also need to teach you how to pout, and how to flaunt your body.”

As she was teaching Eve how to steal Adam’s heart, she heard some bushes rustling. When she looked around, expecting to see Adam, she saw Satan holding an apple.

“It’s about time you showed up!”

“Ah, a fan I take it?”

“Believe me, you’re no Justin Timberlake. I don’t want your autograph. Just get back to what you were doing, we don’t have all day.”

“Oh, right. Eve, eat this apple.”

“You’re doing it all wrong, buddy. You have to tempt her. It’s like this. Eve, if you want Adam to fall madly in love with you and bring you a million gazillion presents every day and write poetry about you and treat you like a queen, then you must eat of this apple,” Yurisa corrected him.

“That’s not bad, I’ll have to take notes. Where did you learn stuff like that?” Satan asked.

“Buttering up my parents as a child. It gets easier with practice,” responded Yurisa.

“So, Eve, you heard what this girl has said. Will you eat this apple?”

“Well, I don’t know, we were told not to eat apples…” she began.

“Eat it, Eve. Trust me,” Yurisa told her.

“You sure?”

“Yes. It’s the only way to make Adam show his love for you. If he eats, too, then it’s because he loves you and he wants to be with you. He’ll do it, too. It’s the only way to take your relationship to the next level. You’ll live happily ever after and have children. Besides, have I ever been wrong?”

“Okay,” Eve said. Then she took a bite of the apple. “It’s not bad.”

“Good,” Yurisa commented. “Now, let’s get Adam to eat, too. That’ll show that he really loves you. I’ll go find him, and bring him here, okay? You just keep thinking about what I was telling you about how to make him fall madly in love with you and worship the ground you walk upon. Remember the pouting, guilt trips, and kissing bits.”

“Okay, thank you for everything, Yurisa. I don’t know where I’d be without you.”

“Eden,” Yurisa mumbled. Then she spoke louder, “Oh, don’t mention it, Eve. You can thank me later. Oh, and if you have a son named Cain, you probably want to drown him at birth. Trust me.”

“You’re silly,” Eve giggled, but she was innocent, after all.
Yurisa went off and found Adam. He was with his sheep, naturally. She tossed him a pair of fig shorts.

“What are these for?”

“To wear. You have to match Eve.”

“Oh, if you say so.”

“Speaking of Eve, she has something important to tell you.”

“Oh? It doesn’t involve more clothes does it?”

“No. But remember, you have to tell her she’s beautiful if she mentions clothing and such.”

“Fine,” he groaned, as they went back over to Eve’s place.

“Adam, do you know what I’ve done?”

“Combed your hair?”

“I’ve been a bad girl.”

“Combing your hair’s not that bad. It actually looks…” he looked over at Yurisa, “beautiful.”

“No, I’ve done something else.”

“What?”

“I ate an apple.”

“But we’re not supposed to eat the apples.”

“I know, but they taste good. You should have one.”

“I don’t want one.”

“But, Adam,” Eve pouted. “You do think I’m beautiful, right?”

“Yes, but…”

“And you do want me to be with you, right?”

“Yes, but I feel the same way about my sheep.”

“But your sheep aren’t as beautiful as I am, are they?”

Adam hesitated, then he looked at Yurisa, who was about to pull a muscle from shaking her head “no.”

“No, of course they aren’t.”

“You hesitated! You don’t think I’m beautiful?”

“Of course I think you’re beautiful,” Adam said. “You’re more beautiful than all the sheep in the garden combined.”

“And you do love me, right?”

“Um, yes.”

“Well, if you love me, you’ll eat an apple.”

“But I don’t want an apple. If I eat an apple, then I’ll get into trouble.”
At this point, Eve burst into tears. Adam was confused. Why was she doing this to him? Women can be so difficult. He thought about it. He could live with her, or live with is sheep. His sheep were a lot less complicated. But he wasn’t married to the sheep. It was a shame, really.

“Fine, I’ll eat the apple.”

“You will?” Eve said, ceasing to cry.

“Yes, I’ll eat the apple.”

“You really do love me, then. I’ll make it up to you later.”

“Really? How?”

“I’ll make more clothes.”

“Oh, okay.” Adam caught Yurisa’s evil glare. “I mean, that sounds wonderful, I can’t wait.”

Adam took a bite. He looked like he was expecting sudden death. But it didn’t come. He opened his eyes, which had been squinched closed, and looked around.

“Well, that wasn’t so bad.”

Eve ran up to him, and gave him a kiss.

“I like that,” Adam said, already beginning to lose his innocence.

“I thought you would,” Eve giggled.

“Adam, I think I want another one. Can you get that for me? It’s just too high for me to reach.”

“But there are a million of them right there. They all taste the same.”

“But I want that one. If you loved me, you’d get it for me.”

Adam looked at Yurisa, certain she’d put her up to this. Life was definitely a lot simpler before she showed up. She mouthed the words, “Do it.”

“Yes, dear. Just to prove that I really love you, I’ll get you this.”

Yurisa gave him two thumbs up, and He got it down for her.

“Here you go, beautiful.”

“Thank you, Adam,” Eve said.

“Aren’t you going to eat it?” Adam said.

“No, I just wanted to see if you’d get it for me.”

“Oh, okay. Well, I’ll be back in a second. I need to irrigate.”

“Okay, bye honey.”

“Eve, you’re a natural. You’ve got him wrapped around your pinky,” Yurisa said, commending her.

“And that’s good?”

“Yes. That’s perfect.”

“So, what do we do now?”

“Well, we ought to play a game. Ever heard of hide-and-seek?”

“No. What do you do?

“Well, you hide, and you wait for someone to go find you. Even if they call your name, you don’t come out, because it’s a trick.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll be it first. You and Adam go hide together. Explain the rules to him, will you? I’m going to count to twenty, and then I’m coming after you.”
Eve ran over to Adam, who was just emerging from behind the tree. She grabbed his arm and dragged him off. He looked like a frightened, confused puppy dog. They played several rounds. Then, they heard another voice in the Garden.

“That’s God,” Adam said.

“He’s it now,” Yurisa said. “You’d better hide. Remember, don’t come out unless he finds you. No matter what.”

They all hid in their respective places. Yurisa watched from between the leaves of the bushes as God walked, looking for them. He was good at this. He was headed straight for them. He was probably cheating and had his eyes open while they were hiding.

“Adam? Where are you?”

Adam was about to respond when Eve elbowed him in the ribs. God heard this and caused the bush they were hiding behind to disappear.

“Adam, Eve, why are you hiding from me? Didn’t you hear my voice?”

“We heard thy voice and hid ourselves because we were playing hide-and-go seek.”

“Who taught you Hide-and-Go-Seek?”

“Yurisa,” Adam replied.

“What are these leaves you’re wearing?”

“They’re the latest fashion in fig leaves,” Eve replied.

“Why are you wearing fig leaves?”

“Because we are naked underneath them.”

“Who told you that you were naked?”

“The Girl,” Adam and Eve replied in unison.

God smacked his forehead and groaned. He turned and made Yurisa’s bush disappear.

“Yurisa, come here.”

She decided that now was not a time to disobey.

“Yurisa, what have you been doing here? You asked to go back to a simpler time, and I obliged.”

“Well, I honestly appreciate it. I mean, the Garden is nice and all, what with me being a vegetarian. But it’s frustrating. There’s no running water or electricity. There are no cell phones, cute boys, malls, TVs, movies, or iPods. There’s no MySpace, air conditioning, or makeup. Eve is just clueless. No offense, Eve. There are snakes and spiders and bugs everywhere! It’s like being in a weird nudist colony, and the only guy here doesn’t even notice me!”

“Are you finished?”

“Almost. There aren’t any cars. How am I supposed to live without a car?”

“I gave you feet. Besides, you don’t need them here. This is a paradise. You tried to distract me from the original question. What have you been up to?”

‘Darn!’ Yurisa thought. Then, she looked at God with big pouty eyes and lips.

“It won’t work, Yurisa. I already know what you did. I just need you to admit it.”

“Man, you’re worse than my mom.”

He shot her a look that put the fear of God into her.

“Fine, I admit it. I sabotaged the garden. I told Adam and Eve that they were naked. I made Eve clothes, and I taught her to be a bombshell of a trophy wife. I encouraged her to eat the apple, and I taught them how to play hide-and-seek. But Satan did give Eve the apple.”

“Satan, because you gave Eve the apple to eat, and listened to this girl, which she forgot to mention, you will be cast out. ‘Upon thy belly thou shalt go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life.'”

“Loser,” Yurisa jibed Satan as he was leaving. She had little time to gloat, though.

“Yurisa, because you have done this thing, you shall be cursed worse than Satan. You shall be banished from this time that you had sought to be in. You will return to your own era with a bad case of acne!”

“No!” she began to scream.

Yurisa awoke, screaming madly. When she realized that she was back in her own room, she stopped. It had all been just a dream. Just a terrible dream.

“Oh, thank goodness! That was just a dream! How could people live like that!?”

She stood up and looked around, taking in her room. Her boy band pictures were on the wall, her electronics were where they were supposed to be. Her walk-in closet was full of exposing outfits. Her makeup and jewelry boxes were on the dresser. There was her vanity mirror, too. She couldn’t have lived with out that.

“Ahhh!” she screamed suddenly. “Acne!”