I don’t smoke or drink or bite my nails,
Huff fumes, or sniff paint or glue.
I’m not a glutton for junk food or snails,
Nor do I sleep soundly the whole day through.
I avoid drugs as if they are a plague,
And I don’t even gamble with my life.
I don’t call in sick for faux-ague;
My words don’t bludgeon or cut like a knife.
I’m known for my valor and sincerity,
For being selfless and full of virtue.
I’m not full of lust or venality.
In fact, my only vice is loving you.
For everyone honestly seems to think
(As if they honestly thought I cared)
That you have caused my brain to shrink,
And I’m intoxicated, crazed, and impaired.