Vulture was fastidious. He had to have his feathers groomed and kempt in a certain way. He only drank from the cleanest waterhole, which he had to fly an hour to reach each day. He never squawked off key. He kept his nest compulsively ordered. In short, he was an oddity among carrion.

His family learned to accept his ways. Vulture was what he was, and he wouldn’t change. Once he left the house, they were all happier, since life was so much easier. They began to drag home bits of whatever they found laying around, just to express their freedom.

Buzzard was Vulture’s only friend. They made an interesting pair, too, since Buzzard was arguably the sloppiest creature on the planet. His apathy toward order and cleanliness at home spilled over to his appearance. It was possible that he’d never groomed his feathers.

When Vulture would come back from his water hole each day, he’d wake Buzzard.

“Finally finished your bathing and watering ceremonies, Vulture?”

“Yes. You finally finished being a lazy slob?”

“Nah. But I am ready to go get a bite to eat.”

With that they would fly off into the air, circling and scouting for something tasty. Buzzard could care less what it was. As long as it was dead, he was satisfied. But Vulture was a lot more picky, which goes without saying.

One morning they stumbled across a dead hyena.

“Great, a feast prepared for us, Vulture!” Buzzard exclaimed.

“No, you go ahead. I’ll pass. Hyena’s give me gas,” Vulture declined.

“Well, maybe we’ll find something else,” Buzzard said wistfully. He regretted passing the Hyena up, since that meant that he would have to go looking some more. But, a friend’s a friend, and they should stick together.

Pretty soon, they found the carcasses of flattened opossums.

“Look, Vulture, Possum. They’s good eatin’.”

As Buzzard began to dive down, Vulture called after him, “But I had those yesterday.”

Buzzard groaned, his stomach calling to him. But he followed along after Vulture. Soon, they found the remains of a snake.

“This is it, Vulture. I can’t take it any more. I’ve got to get something to eat.”

“Okay, you go ahead. I think that it’s been dead for a couple of days. The meat’s probably no good. I’ll catch up with you later.”

Buzzard went down and feasted on the snake. He convinced himself that it tasted like the hyena and possum that he’d passed up. Buzzard finished and returned to his nest to sleep.

But Vulture never found anything suitable for his delicate palate. It’s not easy being a connoisseur when you’re a vulture. His search for what lay beyond what he could find brought him to the desert. By the afternoon, he was weak, hungry, and thirsty. Exhausted, he collapsed to the earth.

When Buzzard woke up that afternoon, Vulture was nowhere to be seen. So he set out to find him. Along the way he found dead bodies and snacked. He grew more and more worried as he couldn’t find his friend. He was determined to find him though, since that’s what friends are for. As night fell, he found Vulture lying in the desert.

“Vulture, are you okay?” Buzzard asked as he descended from the skies. He was worried because his friend wasn’t moving. He landed beside Vulture and nudged him with his beak. When Vulture didn’t respond, Buzzard realized that his friend was dead.

He leaned over solemnly and gave his last respects. Then, he took a big beakfull of Vulture.

“Delicious!” He exclaimed, “I’m glad he spent all that time eating and drinking all the finest things!”

Then, Buzzard took another bite. But after all, that’s what friends are for.

Moral: Never let a perfectly good carcass go to waste.

Dasypeltis, the egg-eating snake, was out for a stroll one day. He had his top hat and cane, and was working up the courage to ask out someone he’d had his eye on for quite some time. As anyone who’s ever tried to ask out another snake knows, it is terror on the nerves. He only wished that he had butterflies in his stomach, since eating calms his nerves. As he was strolling along, he happened upon a nest.

“Ah, an egg,” Dasypeltis said. “Finally, something to soothe my nerves.”

Dasypeltis looked around to see where the parents were. It was strange not to find a parent close by. Perhaps one was hunting, and the other was off cavorting with dysentery. In any case, they would soon return. He would have to act quickly. After all, once the egg was missing, not even his top hat and cane would quiet suspicions. It was his nature to eat eggs, no matter how much he claimed to be reformed,and everyone knew it.

He hurriedly unhinged his jaw, and slid the egg into his throat. About the time it hit his stomach, he prepared to crack it open and spit out the shell. As he did, he began to gag.

“That egg must have been a dud! It must have been there for a year or more.”

Gagging and coughing, he rushed home trying to get rid of the stench of rotten eggs. But it was no use. Unfortunately, he grew used to the smell, and believed that it was gone. Satisfied, he went off to ask out his dear. What was his surprise when she turned him down.

“You’re gross, you rotten egg sucker! I wouldn’t go out with you in a million years!”

Dasypeltis wondered who had told his secret. It was probably one of those mockingbirds. They were such gossips. They’d planted the egg just to get back at him for an innocent snack or two. His paranoia slowly drove him insane. He never kissed another serpent for years.

Moral: Avoid high cholesterol diets. Some eggs should never be sucked.

Hippo was one of those lonely sorts. He’d been a bachelor for most of his single life. Since the prime of his life had now long passed and his girth was extreme, he knew that no one could ever love him for whom he was. Thus, he never tried to date one of the locals. Instead, he did what his old friend Bill had done.

“Hi, Mail Order Piranhas? Yes, My name is Hippo. I was looking through your catalog, and I think I’ve found the one for me. Her name is Caribe. Yes, the little red-bellied one. Excellent. When do you think she’ll be here? Tuesday? Great. How did I hear about you? Oh, my friend Bill ordered a Piranha a few months back. He just raved about it. He said that it got him back into shape. OK, thanks.”

Hippo thought about telling Bill about his good news. But he hadn’t seen Bill for a while now, and the phone had been disconnected. But then, newlyweds did like to have privacy, or, as they call it, “alone time.” While he waited for Caribe to come, he started trying to get into shape. After all, he didn’t want to just be a tub of lard to her.”

Finally, Tuesday came, right after Monday, as usual. He was holding a sign for her at the station. She walked over to him, and she was prettier than the catalog had shown her.

“¡Que carnudo!” Caribe said to him.

Hippo wasn’t put off by the language barrier, though. After all, love was universal. They went home, and life was great. Hippo enjoyed his new life. He was starting to lose weight just like Bill did. Every morning he’d wake up, and look in the mirror, and he was a little skinnier. In fact, one morning he rolled over, and there was nothing left of him.

Moral: Piranhas don’t make good bed mates.

“Hey, Boar,” Vulture said as he lowered down to where Boar rested.

He landed on his belly and pecked once to wake the beast. Boar snorted, so Vulture pecked him harder. Boar grunted and opened his eyes. In panic, he rolled over hastily to let the scavenger know that there was still life in his bones.

“I’m not dead, I tell you, Vulture! I’m just resting!”

“I know. I was just coming to see if you’d heard?”

“Heard what?”

“What Asia is saying about you.”

“What’s Asia saying about me?”

“That you’re fat, stupid, ugly, and smelly.”

“Yeah, and?”

“He says that he’s fatter, stupider, uglier, and smellier. He’s been telling everyone.”

“Oh yeah? Well, you go and tell Asia that I’m the fattest, stupidest, ugliest, and smelliest beast to ever walk this land. You tell him that I’ll prove it, too. Tell him to meet me at the waterhole tomorrow, and I’ll teach him a thing or two.”

“Okay, Boar. I’ll let Asia know, but you’re gonna have to be really fat, stupid, ugly, and smelly. Asia is really good.”

“Just you wait, Vulture. I’ll do you proud.”

With that Vulture went off to find Asia. Boar made sure that he ate like a pig. When he got through, he could barely hobble over to wallow in all the muck, mud, and other smelly things that he could find. He was confident that he was stupid and ugly enough as it was. There’s no way to improve perfection.

Vulture found Asia walking along. He swooped down low, but not too low. Asia had a nasty temper, and it was no use getting clawed by this tiger to deliver his message.

“Hey, Asia, have you heard?” Vulture greeted him.

“What, Vulture?” Asia asked.

“About Boar. He said that you’re even fatter, stupider, uglier, and smellier than he is. He’s been telling everyone. And, he also has been telling everyone that you’re too scared to meet him, since he could easily beat you. He’s told everyone that you wouldn’t dare come to the waterhole tomorrow. Are you really scared of him?”

“Me? No! I’ll show that Boar who’s fat, stupid, ugly, and smelly!”

“Well, he says that you won’t. He says you’re too scared.”

“Well, I’ll show him.”

Vulture flew off quite happy indeed. There would be a feast tomorrow.

Boar was waiting near the waterhole for Asia the next morning. He saw that Vulture and a few of his buddies had come to watch. Vulture was a true friend, always rooting for the home team. He heard soft footsteps coming.

“You here, Boar?” a voice growled. That voice quickly materialized into a tiger. For a second, Boar was scared.

“You don’t think I’m going to fall for the old pretending to be a tiger trick, do you? You really are stupid. I’ll give you that. You’re just tying to scare me off because you know that I am better than you are. But look at you, you’re one pitiful excuse for a tiger.”

“I am, huh?”

“Yep, but at least you had the nerve to come.”

“Well, I hear that you wanted to meet me.”

“Yep, I needed to show you a thing or two.”

“Me, too,” Asia said as he protracted his claws.

Vulture leaned forward eagerly on the tree branch. It suddenly dawned on Boar that he had never thought to ask what kind of creature Asia was.

Moral: Beware of vultures that send you to fight against Asia.

Slug came out of his hole in the garden. His extensible eyes looked around for predators. He didn’t see any. Then, he looked on the ground. It had been snowing.

“I’ve never seen snow before!” Slug exclaimed. “I hope it stays for Christmas.”

He rushed as quickly (for a slug) as he could to slither through it, making snow angels. As he was in the process of making a snowball, he began to convulse violently. Slime started to ooze from his body.

“What’s wrong with him,” asked Blue Jay as he frolicked in the birdbath, trying to figure out if Slug was safe to eat.

“He didn’t get the memo,” said Frog puffing on a cigarette compulsively. “It didn’t snow.”

“What an idiot,” said Pigeon as he was pecking at grains of rice.

“Yeah, total retard,” said Seagull as he swallowed bits of Alka Seltzer tablets.

Moral: Slugs shouldn’t play in salt.

Bullfrog woke up on a cool spring day. The sun was shining. The skies were blue. Birds were singing, and the water was warm.

“I don’t remember going to sleep in water,” he said to himself. “Oh well, it feels nice enough. Why mess up a good thing.”

So, he immediately peed in the water. Looking around, he noticed that the water was black, and so was everything immediately around him.

“I must be in a mud hole,” he concluded. “Well, at least it’s too small for crocodiles.”

Bullfrog continued to lie in the water. As the day went on, the water got warmer. But that was normal. He just continued to lie there resting, enjoying “the life” in his new found mud hole.

“See mom, I told you that frogs don’t move if you just slowly turn up the temperature,” a little boy told his mother. She came over to the camp stove and looked at the bullfrog.

Moral: Ignorance is bliss

A young litter of Naked Mole Rats ventured out of their burrows while they were still relatively blind. One of them saw a light flashing “DO NOT WALK.”

‘What a peculiar light. It must be half-broken,’ she thought.

Thus, she went to go investigate. She was hit by a car before she ever made it there. The others saw this, and determined that flashing lights meant death.

Another one saw a white sign that read, “Danger. Explosives.” He figured that since the sign wasn’t flashing, it must be safe. He kept walking ahead while his brothers and sisters made funny faces at the sign, trying to make it laugh. Suddenly a loud explosion rattled them. They decided that white signs meant death.

As they kept walking along, they saw another sign. It wasn’t flashing or white. This one was yellow. It had a picture of a someone dancing on it. They immediately started to swing dance. One of them was slung a little too far, and started slipping across the floor. He knocked over a display and was crushed. The others saw it and thought that yellow signs meant death. They were too scared to stop dancing, though, after what had happened to him. Finally, someone came and took the “Caution, Wet Floor,” sign away, and they continued on their way.

Night had now fallen. As they were walking, they saw another sign. Needless to say, they were hesitant to study it. But it was orange, and that color hadn’t hurt them yet. They couldn’t decipher what “Bridge Out” meant. As they continued walking, they suddenly all started to plummet below. As they felt the air rushing past them, they determined that all signs meant death.

Moral: Learn to Read.

The Wildebeest had just graduated from high school. His family and friends gave him lots of money as presents. Having more money than he’d ever had in his life, he asked his friend the Alpaca what he should do.

“Well, I would buy a monkey. You might never have this chance again.”

So, he immediately went to the nearest monkey emporium.

“Welcome to the Empire’s Monkey Emporium. My name is Fox, I will be your emperor today.”

“Hi, Fox, your Highness. I was looking for a monkey.”

“Do you have any particular kind in mind?”

“Oh, just one that does the basics. You know, scratches itself, picks for lice, and smashes rocks together to the rhythm of Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony.”

“Ah, I have just the one. I have been saving this one for years until I could find someone who could appreciate it. Give me one moment, and I will return.”

The owner could tell that he had no idea how to use his money, so he sold him a howler monkey. He’d been trying to get rid of that thing for quite some time. The racket was unbearable. He’d just never found anyone that stupid before. He charged four times the worth of the monkey, hardly repressing a smile.

“What would you do with your money after you bought a monkey?” the Wildebeest asked the emporium emperor.

“Well, I would go see a magic show.”

“Where could I find one of those?”

“Right next door. I own that shop, too.”

“Oh, thank you. You sure have been some help.”

“Don’t mention it.”

The Wildebeest went next door with his howler monkey. Rabbit was up on stage. He reached into his top hat and pulled out a human. The crowd gasped in amazement. Then, Rabbit started looking for volunteers for his next trick. The howler monkey, on seeing the crowd raise their hands and yell, was not to be outdone. Rabbit saw the monkey and recognized it from the emporium next door. He knew that its owner must have been the biggest nincompoop ever to walk on four feet.
“Yes, you there with the howler monkey. You’ll do nicely.”
The Wildebeest was uncertain about going. But since it meant so much to the howler monkey, he decided to go anyway. He figured that it would help him really get into the show.

“Do you have any insurance on your monkey?” Rabbit asked.

“No, should I?”

“Yes, you can’t go around with monkeys without getting them insured. Plus, this is a very valuable monkey.”

“Oh, I didn’t know that. Where do I go to get insurance on my monkey?”

“I can do that right here. I do home, life, and monkey insurance on the side.”

“Wow, it’s a good thing that I ran into you.”

“Yes, it is. As a favor, you can list me as your monkey’s benefactor.”

“That would be a good idea.”

“Do you have insurance?”

“No, should I?”

“Of course. You can’t volunteer in a magic show without having life insurance. How would you get paid if you died during a trick?”

“Wow. I hadn’t thought about that either.”

“I’ll help you with these forms. You should list me as your benefactor. That way you show your good faith that the trick will work.”

“Okay,” Wildebeest said.

After signing, Rabbit took Wildebeest and his howler monkey up on the stage. They were laid on the table. Then, Rabbit and his lovely assistant sawed them both in half.

Moral: A fool and his monkey are quickly parted.

Donkey was walking through the woods one day. He saw a sign.

“I wonder what the sign says?” he asked himself.

When he got close enough, he saw that it read, “DO NOT STICK YOUR FOOT INTO THE LOOP ON THE GROUND, WHATEVER YOU DO.”

“Sign, you sound just like my mother,” Donkey told the sign. “I’ll show you!”

With all of his pent up anger for his mother, he stuck his foot in the loop. Immediately, the rope snatched Donkey up into the air. As he hung upside down, getting a blood rush, he began to call for help.

“Help!” he cried. “Somebody made me stick my foot into a loop, and now I’m stuck upside down!”

His cries were so bothersome and incessant, that Orangutan, who lived nearby, came by and let him down.

“You’d better be grateful that I have an opposable thumb,” Orangutan told them as he let him down roughly, dropping him on his head. “Next time listen to the sign.”

“You sound like my mother,” Donkey told him, vowing right then and there to disobey the next sign that the read.

Donkey continued to wonder on through the woods without purpose. Pretty soon he discovered another sign. Determined to spite Orangutan, he went up to the sign. It read, “UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU EVER PUT YOUR FOOT IN THE RUSTY METAL BEAR TRAP BESIDE THIS SIGN.”

“I’ll show you, Orangutan!” he shouted. Then, he plunged his foot into the bear trap. Obviously, it snapped shut. Since it hurt something fierce, he began to plead for help.

Orangutan was still the nearest creature. He came near to donkey. Then, he took out some earplugs and began to laugh.

Moral: A fool never learns from his mistakes; a wise man learns to laugh at him.