“Good ladies and good gentlemen,
And those of gentler births,
I stand before you here today
For a crime that is the worst.

But before ye yet judge me
With a sentence that shan’t waver,
Please, let me inform you
Of how I did him a courteous favor.

I gave him the goodwill of death,
As goodwill to all must be.
How can you possibly think
This was ill of me?

Some people may nod or wave
Or shake another’s hand,
But me, I merely accosted him with
A smile and laid him out in the sand.

This earth is a cruél place,
What with kids and wives and rent;
He’s probably up there thanking me
Now that his life is spent.

How rather unfortunate
You’ve taken this the wrong way;
Perhaps you’ll understand when you
Have the goodwill of death someday.”