Ignance, or Pessimismo
How Ignance came to be raised in America
Ignance was born in America. It was only natural that he would grow up there, too. After all, it was the best of all possible lands. It was a land of opportunities and growth. It was the land of the free.
Ignance was born to a poor family, as were many other Americans. But he was raised to be happy in his poverty. They didn’t need health insurance, food, running water, or electricity to be happy. As long as they were together as a family, they had everything that they needed. Consequently, his parents died young of starvation and health problems, thus abandoning all fourteen of his brothers and sisters, begotten from a lack of television and other forms of entertainment, to become wards of the state.
This was rather inconvenient for the state. They had tried their hardest to avoid any sort of responsibility for these people as it were. After all, the state should not be responsible for taking care of the citizens. They were only the source of power for the government. Since this was a poor, and obviously weak source of power, the government was better off without them. Previously, they had told the parents that they made too much money to receive any form of financial assistance. Then, to teach this family a lesson for having the audacity to claim poverty, the government made sure that the inflation rates increased, while keeping the minimum wages stationary. They thought they were poor at first, well they would definitely feel poor now! Of course, it was rather rude of the parents to die. They were supposed to just get a seventh job so that they could make ends meet. Lazy, sniveling peasants.
So it chanced that Ignance and his fourteen brothers and sisters were entrusted to the neglect of the Department of Family and Children Services. They were a most friendly lot. They were always asking such pleasant questions such as, “Didn’t your parents ever hear of birth control?” and “Didn’t they have TV?” Ignance would respond that his parents couldn’t afford TV because they were too poor. They would then tell him that they should have gotten another job, or that they should have thought about that before they had fifteen kids. It was easier to ignore the problem of the difficulty of trying to get educated and survive at the same time, than it was to come up with a compassionate solution. But Ignance was with his family, and that was all that mattered. So he was happy.
How Ignance Came to Be Placed In Foster Care
He and his brothers and sisters were immediately assigned a case worker, and after a few months she got around to figuring out who they were.
“Oh, so your family was the one that didn’t believe in abortion, huh? It’s a pity, because you’re such sweet kids. It’s a shame that they weren’t illegals. We like the illegals. They come here; they work in our fields and do all the jobs that we don’t want. They don’t pay their taxes. They bring their gangs. We give them free health care. Everyone wins. When the parents die from exposure to pesticides and such, we just send the kids back to Mexico. It’s far less messy for us. Besides, we’ll see them in a few years anyway. We just did them a favor by teaching them English in the first place.
â€œBut you, we can’t send you anywhere. Mexico doesn’t want you cause you’re not Mexican. America doesn’t want you because you’re not cheap labor. No American wants you because you’re kids. If we wanted those, we would have actually had them instead of getting cars and pets. Why else would we wait until we’re past our prime to settle down?”
Ignance and his brothers and sisters could see that she was a very wise and caring lady. They thanked her for her kind words. They were together, and that was what mattered. When she remembered that she was a social worker and was actually supposed to do social work, which was much later, she immediately had them split up and put into foster care.
Ignance was sad to be separated from his brothers and sisters. But he had a foster family, and that was what mattered. They could be happy together. Indeed, they were happy. The family had never been able to have kids, and they were grateful to have the chance. They spoiled Ignance by giving him things like food, clothing, shelter, and love. He was sure that they must have been the best parents ever.
Then, the social worker came back, and took Ignance away. She apologized greatly for the wrongs that he had suffered at their hands. She begged him to forgive her, because social workers weren’t supposed to find children good homes. They were supposed to destroy the good homes. He wasn’t supposed to be treated with kindness and loved. This is America, after all.
Instead, he was supposed to go to a home where the father wore wifebeaters, drank, cursed, screamed, and hit everyone. She immediately found him one of these good, respectable families, which are a dime a dozen, and placed him there. The father did indeed wear a wifebeater, and he abused the family. They had bruises and went to the hospital for broken bones. But they were together, and that’s all that mattered. The social worker came by occasionally to make sure that things were going well at the house.
Since the father was too busy drinking and doing drugs to buy trivial things like food and clothing for the family, Ignance learned the value of hard work. It was just barely more than five dollars an hour. But that five dollars an hour was amazing. With it he could by a loaf of bread occasionally.
He learned the other value of hard work, it meant that you could help support the bureaucratic waste of the government. It gave him such a warm and fuzzy feeling inside to know that his backbreaking labor allowed some droll politicians to sit around in offices and feel important about letting their nation go to waste. He was grateful that he was single, so that he could pay an extra amount to those pork-barrel politicians. He only wished that he could make more money to give to the government. After all, it beat making more money to let his foster father steal it all for booze and drugs, which is what usually happened.
Ignance began to go to school in earnest when he learned that school was the window of opportunity. Before, he’d just gone because he was forced to go. But he thought about the extra money that he could pay in taxes, and how much happier he would feel. Naturally, he strove to excel. He eventually finished high school. After wasting hundreds of dollars on meaningless attire just to walk across a stage and get a piece of paper, he was tickled pink. He determined that he would go forth, diploma in hand, to find out what the real value of an education was. He did. It was a few more places to work at where you can make a little more than five dollars an hour.
How Ignance came to go to College
Ignance had heard while in high school that there was a mystical land of happiness and peace where everyone laughed and smiled. It was called the McDonald’s ball pen. Since he already swept that out everyday, he determined that he would have to seek zen to discover what he should do next in his life after that. What was beyond that far horizon for him besides death, suffering, and more taxes? He was told to go to college, since you would be able to make more money after you got a real education. Ignance was puzzled about the term “real education,” since he thought that he already had one. But he heard that there were plenty of pizza, beer, and girls at college. He knew that if they could all be together, then they would be happy. That would be all that would matter.
Naturally he went to the closest community college. It happened to be in his community. He learned many things at college. He learned that one should never drink a keg before going in for finals. He learned that the body generally needs to sleep more than 2 hours a week for optimal performance. He learned that professors actually want you to work, too. Disappointingly, they didn’t pay just slightly more than five dollars an hour for it, either. They didn’t pay anything.
Instead, Ignance had to keep his job. He also had to take out student loans to pay for his books, which each cost more than what he made in a month. But he figured that since books were the source of learning, they must be worth it. After all, no college would dare engage in a racket to charge exorbitant amounts of money for a worthless textbook that generally won’t even be opened more than once in a semester. It would be ludicrous. Still, he never needed to open his textbooks. But he kept them as reminders of all the fond times he had not attending class.
Ignance began to socially develop during this time. That is to say that he came in contact with some very enlightened individuals. They must have been enlightened, because they always listened to a band called Nirvana. They would discuss topics such as how the minorities ruled the masses. Or rather, how a small percentage of the population controlled the government, and they were rich. They talked about how no one in America had ideals. They talked about whether or not clones had souls. They talked about how they needed to use their freedoms. They needed to assemble. They needed to protest. They needed to boycott. They needed to worship. They needed to express themselves. Ignance really didn’t know what they were talking about. But they were together, so they were happy. That’s all that mattered.
One day they all got together so they could be happy. The city was going to cut down the trees in a park to urbanize. This enlightened group only wanted an excuse to gather, to use their freedoms. They got signs and marched around this park. Some of them chained themselves to the trees. None of them used deodorant or shaved, just so that no one would come near. The police came to drag them away. The leaders protested that they had a right to assemble, that they had signed a petition to save the park. The police replied by telling them that that was sweet. Then, they asked if they had money. When they said they were just poor college students, then they were told that they didn’t matter since they didn’t have any money.
The group began to think about the wealthy minority ruling the nation again. They were forcefully removed from the park. Ignance didn’t expect this to be part of a real education. If he wanted to be abused, he could just go home to his foster father. Still, his group continued to meet together to protest. Usually they protested the war. Naturally, no one listened. After all, the rest of the nation was okay with letting its future get destroyed in the deserts that had been invaded only for the political motive of greed. As long as they still had gas for their cars, what did they care?
How Ignance Came to Be Involved in an RIAA Scandal
While Ignance was in college, a friend lent him a compact disc. He listened to the disc several times. He asked his friend where he could get a copy. His friend told him that he could buy a copy from the local music store. Ignance got depressed when he heard the word buy. After all, he was in college. He was too busy paying the college, government, and textbook publishers to have more than enough money to eat ramen noodles. But his friend told him not to worry and introduced him to the world of file sharing. In the end, file sharing was just free advertising. Ignance thought it was amazing. He was able to get all five songs that he had ever wanted together in once place. They were happy, and that was what mattered.
One day, Ignance got a letter accusing him of stealing hundreds of thousands of dollars. Naturally he was perplexed. He had never stolen anything, let alone hundreds of thousands of dollars. Then he saw what it was for. The crime listed five songs each at 150 thousand dollars. He started laughing. Surely this was a joke. If it cost one hundred and fifty thousand dollars for each song, then no one would ever be able to listen to the music. That kind of defeated the purpose, didn’t it?
He figured that it was a joke that his friend had played on him. But his friend told him that it was no joke. There was an evil empire set on destroying itself by suing everyone that listened to music out of existence. It was called the RIAA, Really Incompetent Anti-Americans. His friend told him that they had started attacking colleges, since they figured that if they could get rid of people who thought first, then there would be no one left to protest later. It wasn’t like the politicians were going to stop the nonsense, since they were getting a cut of the lawsuits anyway. After all, what is a politician but money’s psychiatrist? They only listen to problems where profit’s involved. Everyone else could continue on in the hand basket which the politicians were giftwrapping.
Indeed, the RIAA was trying to get a bill through Congress to make sure that college students who are suspected of piracy could not receive federal aid. That would keep the crooks out of college. Lowering college attendance will lower piracy. After all, college students are a far larger threat to the copyright consortia than the international piracy cartels that make tremendous profits on the black markets. College students in America are also easier to attack, since the American government is the most susceptible to the RIAA’s bribe money. Other nations are too deluded to give in to the pressure. They don’t realize that kids don’t need a college education. They are just the future of the world, after all.
Ignance thanked his friend for letting him know what a predicament he was in. He asked his friend what he should do, and his friend replied that he should pay the money. Ignance wondered how he would pay the money, since he was in college and broke. His friend told him that he should have thought about that before he got involved in illegal file sharing. He told his friend that he was the reason he got involved file sharing. Besides, he had been taught to share from a kid. It was only natural. His friend told him to think of settling as sharing with the RIAA. After all, sharing is nothing more than being taken advantage of.
What Became of the RIAA Scandal
Ignance was forced to go to trial. His college had caved in to the RIAA and given over his IP address information. That really wasn’t a problem, since privacy was such a useless and unnecessary privilege in America. No one really wanted it, otherwise they would have done something to curb its continual infringements long ago. Ignance was one of four thousand John Does to be tried that day. The RIAA figured that they would just lump them all together without any real evidence or legal searches. The judge would certainly condemn them all to death or fees, since in America there is no justice to be had for the poor, and no punishment to be had for the wealthy because of sleazy defense lawyers.
But the judge determined that the people’s time could be worst used by separating the cases. After all, there was more job security for him and his colleagues that way. Ignance was there to see his friend who had introduced him to file sharing be put on trial first. His friend was scrutinized over many of the songs on his computer, and he replied that most of him had been from CDs that he had ripped. The RIAA lawyers responded that they had never given him permission to rip those songs, since a person doesn’t have a legal right to backup their media or use it as they wish. His friend tried to tell everyone that he never realized that it was illegal to file share. He was then asked why he didn’t pay the fine then. His friend replied that if he ever got out of college that he was going to buy the few songs he had gotten P2P. The rebutting argument called him a fool, because if he ever got out of college he’d never have enough money to pay off the student loans as it was, let alone the fees from the case.
The judge saw reason in this argument, and immediately sentenced Ignance’s friend to be burned at the stake. Upon learning that the man had kids, the judge order the kids to be burned at the stake as well. After all, they couldn’t deal with any more wards of the state. Some parents had died a few years back and left fifteen kids to the custody of the state. The government had still not recovered from the shock of having to take care of real Americans instead of wasting billions on humanitarian aid to foreign nations, which scarcely reaches the people but is immediately embezzled. It was an outrage, really. Those parents should be sued, wherever they were.
When the day ended, several more had been burned at the stake. The trial was less about actual music sales than making an example, after all. The RIAA gathered around the bonfire singing and dancing. They made S’mores and congratulated each other. Ignance thought about his friend and his children that had been burned at the stake. Then, he thought about all the RIAA malvados dancing around the ashes of their doom. He figured that they must all be happy, since they were together. After all, that’s all that mattered.
The Surprising Involvement of the NSA
Ignance approached one of the RIAA lawyers. He asked if it would be possible to settle. The lawyer sized him up, and then agreed. He was told to go home, and he would be contacted later. When he got home, he took a shower to rinse off the ashes and soot from the blackened bodies. He no sooner left the shower than a pair of hands seized him.
‘Strong hands,’ he thought.
Ignance was bound, gagged, blindfolded, earmuffed, and transported in the back of an old van to an unknown location. He was subsequently taken out of the van and placed on a chair rudely. The blindfold was removed, and Ignance asked where he was. He saw their mouths move several times and wondered if they were speaking sign language. After a few minutes, his captors realized that he hadn’t heard them, so they took off the earmuffs.
They told him that he had been brought to a secret prison to settle the RIAA lawsuit. He was now in the custody of the NSA, Nazi Secret Army. Ignance wondered what the NSA would have to do with the RIAA. He was told that he should stop asking questions that he shouldn’t have an answer for. Ignance thought that was wise, and asked them what questions he should have an answer for. Instead of answering him with the questions, they just gave him the answers. It was very confusing to Ignance, who almost asked if they could answer in the form of a question at least to humor him. From what he could piece together, he was to be tortured.
He protested that he wanted to settle the lawsuit. They responded that they were going to settle it the old fashioned way. At first, Ignance thought that was a good thing. He had always been old-fashioned himself, what with having fourteen brothers and sisters. Besides, the old-fashioned way was bartering as best as he could remember. That was definitely a lot better than paying money that he didn’t’ have. Then, he realized that the old-fashioned way for them was torture. My, how times have changed.
The goons approached him to rough him up. They said that they would make him confess his crime. He told them that he already did. That’s why he was coming to settle. He’d downloaded five songs. That caught the goons off guard. They didn’t have any reason to rough him up anymore. He had spoiled their fun. They sullenly went back to the van and called their boss for instructions. They came back triumphant.
The told him that they had proof that he had illegally performed another song, “Rubber Ducky,” without paying royalties. He couldn’t broadcast music without paying royalties on it. That was as bad as file sharing. Ignance tried to explain to them that he was alone in the shower when he sang that. They replied that he was broadcasting, because it was caught in a wiretap.
Ignance tried to protest that he had no knowledge of a wiretap. But they told him that everyone knew that the government wiretapped everyone. Ergo, he knowingly broadcasted that song a minimum of 51 times in the last four days. He would have to pay for that. He replied that he would download it fifty-one times from iTunes at ninety-nine cents a piece. After they laughed at him for a few minutes, they told him that it was 150 thousand dollars per instance. He protested that he didn’t have that kind of money, he was American. They told him that he should have thought about that before he was born.
It suddenly occurred to Ignance that he didn’t remember a warrant for any wiretaps. They replied that they didn’t need them. It was a matter of national defense. After all, he could not believe the terror there would be if others should sing, hum, whistle, or otherwise enjoy rightful works without paying for the works. The terror of course would be from copyright consortia like the RIAA. Since the government can do anything as pernicious and contrary to the Constitution as it wants, as long as it was in the name of fighting terrorism, and since the RIAA has deep pockets, the government began to use the NSA wiretapping program to monitor copyrights. After all, what better way to combat illegal copyright infringement than with an illegal invasion of privacy?
Naturally, it would be a state secret, and all semblances of the program would be quelled in court before a real trial that even remotely embraced the concept of justice was conducted. This was the government, after all. Anything that they did must naturally receive immunity, since the government is infallible. The next target is to close the libraries, as they aid and abet perpetrators. Imagine, people actually accessing knowledge and learning for free. That should be a capital offense!
The captors, now worked into a frenzy after this tirade, began to circle Ignance. He asked what they were going to do to him. The repeated to him that they were going to settle this matter. Ignance was not exactly looking forward to this. Trying to stall for time, he asked them why they would do this. Confidently, the leader responded that by suing or bludgeoning the fans, music sales will increase. Ignance couldn’t see how this could be. He’d always been told not to bite the hand that feeds you, especially if it had just been in the bathroom. But he was hardly in a position to dispute this with this group of goons who wore dunce caps on their heads and had baseball bats in their hands. It made them seem overly qualified in this aspect. They definitely had more clout in this arena than he could comprehend.
After they roughed up Ignance a bit, they told him that they would shortly commence with the real torture. Ignance began to dread what was to come. What could be worse than a beating? Then, he heard it. It was contemporary pop music. It was horrible. He would have rather been burned at the stake at this moment. The leader came to mock him. He told Ignance that they deliberately picked certain songs just to drive him insane. They were going to hammer him with music full of subliminal messages, just like they played to the rest of the masses. These songs would not only get stuck in their heads, but they would make it where the populace would disdain classical and other public domain music. That way they could continue to have royalties and fees and lawsuits. Ignance could feel his sanity begin to slip. At the precise moment when he was about to cave, one of the henchmen started a fight amongst themselves. Soon, only one remained. He turned off the music, and began to walk slowly towards Ignance. Ignance was certain that this was the end.
How Ignance Came to Flee to Canada
The goon looked at him, and asked him if he’d had enough. Ignance wholeheartedly agreed. The goon said that that was good, because the music had driven him crazy. He couldn’t listen to it any more. Ignance asked if the other guys would be okay. The goon told him no, and that Ignance should flee, that way he wouldn’t be blamed for the incident. Ignance responded that he couldn’t very well flee while bound in the chair. The goon thought about it for a second, and then he realized that Ignance was right. He set him free. Ignance asked him where he should go. He was told to go to Canada, since it is now the land of the free, since it has no copyright stupidity like the DMCA.
Ignance took heart at that. He longed to live in a land where he could sing “Rubber Ducky.” He’d always dreamed of living in the land of the free. He just didn’t know how to get there. The goon told him that it was to the north. He should follow Polaris. Ignance replied that he didn’t know which star was Polaris, and the henchman told him that he would just have to go with Ignance. After all, he didn’t have much of a job left at this point.
The goon took Ignance to a friend of a friend of an acquaintance who happened to have heard of someone who still ran the Underground Railroad. They finally found the conductor, and embarked on an intense journey. The RIAA was hot on their trail with hound dogs and rifles. They slept by day and and fled by night. When they were fleeing, they would speak about the freedom that awaited them. They would sing, “O Canada,” hoping that no wiretaps were present. Ignance learned that centuries before people had left England to escape a similar situation with debtors prisons. Now people were being smuggled back into England to escape a similar fate. After all, Canada is a commonwealth of the UK. They lauded Canada for burning down Washington, DC. They spoke of how it had never been invaded successfully by America. If there was any land that was safe from the RIAA, it was Canada.
Ignance and his new found friend eventually made it to Canada. They stared at the banks of the St. Lawrence River. Before them lay freedom. They were supposed to have been met by a boatman on the shore to ferry them across. There was no boat in sight, and the hounds could be heard closing in. They had not made it this far to be deterred like the Nez Perce. They jumped in the river and began swimming to freedom. They swam for quite some time, but finally they made it to the far shore. They began to kiss the ground.
A man walking by stopped and asked them what they were so happy about. They responded that they were grateful to be in Canada at last. He looked at them like they were crazy. Then, he told them that they had just crossed Lake Champlain and were in Vermont. They were understandably disappointed. But the gentleman told them that to get to Canada, they just needed to swim the lake north. So they did, eventually. Several days later they made it across the border into Quebec. They crept into the city of Notre-Dame-Du-Mont-Carmel by night like a pair of waterlogged prunes. Ignance recognized his face everywhere, though he couldn’t read anything written on the fliers.
A passing gentleman saw them and recognized Ignance. With a few sacrebleu’s and mondieu’s he escorted Ignance and his friend into a side alley. Naturally, Ignance felt no worry. What harm could come to him in an alley? After all, he was apparently a celebrity. The man addressed Ignance as monsieur, and then he told him that it was no longer safe for him to stay there in Canada. The RIAA and others had pressured Canada into passing legislation as flawed and hideous as the American DMCA, without consultation with the public, mind you. Now, Ignance would be wanted here, too. He would be tried for his crimes, unless the Mafia hitmen that the RIAA had sent after him found him first.
Ignance was devastated. He had journeyed all this way on the underground railroad only to discover that Canada was no longer a land of the free, and they speak French there, too. It wouldn’t have worked out after all. But where would he go now? Was there no place safe from the evil empires of America? Was there no bastion of freedom? The Canadian replied to his unspoken thought by telling him that there was still one more place left. It was a land of freedom. It would be his only hope. He must take a ride on the Pirate Bay and go to Sweden. Ignance asked if they spoke French there. He was told no. Satisfied, he determined that he would go. The only thing worse than the RIAA was learning French.
How Ignance Came to Flee from Canada to Sweden
The Canadian told Ignance that he knew of someone who could smuggle him out of the country. After all, they were heroes now. Ignance and the goon followed the man to a lodge sitting out over the river. There they were given papers which enabled the bearers to receive any help that they required to make it to Sweden, signed 7h15 15 60d. They were also given two disguisesâ€”a jar of maple syrup and a moose outfit. Professing many merci’s, they left, eager to reach the safety of Sweden.
No sooner had they started out into the night when they became separated by the pursuit of Mounties. The goon and his maple syrup disguise escaped attention. But the moose was clearly suspicious. What would a moose be doing walking around the countryside at night? Ignance was taken into custody. But at least he was with the Mounties, and they were all together. That’s all that mattered.
The Inquisitor came in to begin the investigation. He began a tirade of French, which Ignance was sure meant something. The Inquisitor continued on for forty minutes, never ceasing to allow a response, and growing ever more agitated for having received none. Ignance finally determined that he wasn’t going to get the gift of tongues any time soon. He pulled out his letter from 7h15 15 60d. The Inquisitor read it, looked back at Ignance, and looked back at the letter. He handed it back, rattling off more French.
“Je suis tres dÃ©solÃ©.”
Ignance replied, “Gesundheit.”
The Inquisitor looked at him oddly again. Then, he left, and came back with several Mounties. After rattling off something particularly spittle-friendly, the Inquisitor left the room. The Mounties seized Ignance.
Ignance tried to tell them that he was sorry. However, one of the Mounties, told him not to worry. Everything would be alright. They were taking him to get a ship to Sweden. Ignance was astounded. The journey was uneventful, except for the bruising on his arm where their hands continued to grasp him and a small encounter with the mob.
When they were approached by the Mafiosos, one of the Mounties stepped forward boldly, the letter in hand. Giving them his most official “excuzez-moi,” he handed them the letter. The mobsters looked it over, looked back at Ignance, examined the signature, straightened their white ties, bowed before Ignance, kissed his hands, heiled Hitler, and left. Ignance would certainly have to tell this 7h15 15 60d person thank you again. He was eventually boarded on the first boat to Sweden, again, thanks to the letter. It had definitely proven more valuable than his education ever was.
How Ignance Came to Arrive In Sweden
Ignance had tried to make his stomach obey the mysterious letter that he’d been given. However, it would not. The captain approached him halfway through the voyage to congratulate him. The captain mentioned that Ignance was lucky. Most other letters he received regarding passage on this ship instructed him and his crew to kill the bearer. But then, this was a pirate ship.
When he mentioned piracy, the captain suddenly remembered where he had seen Ignance before. He questioned if he was the same poor, stupid American that was fleeing the RIAA. Ignance proudly replied that he was one and the same. The Captain replied that it was an honor to have him aboard. Ignance was told to lookup the Pirate Party as soon as he got to Stockholm. The ship docked in Stockholm several seasick days later. Ignance’s stomach contents arrived not too long afterwards. But at least they were together, and that was what mattered.
Ignance had been excited to hear about the Pirate Party onboard. He hadn’t been to a party since that incident in the park back when he was still an innocent community college student. It was high time to get a social life. However, when he arrived at the address that he was given, he didn’t see any police. There were no protesters or music or chains or beverages. Parties were certainly different in Sweden. He opened the door, still unaware that the Pirate Party was a political party.
He was greeted by a warm, welcoming hands. It was good to have a new recruit, a foreigner too, among them. Ignance asked how they knew he was foreign. They answered that the eye patch was a dead give away. It was the mark that all copyright refugees had to wear to show their affiliation. He replied that he’d gotten it at the dock, thinking that he should at least try to look appropriate for the Pirate Party. They chuckled with him, and then he was taken to see their captain.
The captain was a mild mannered man, quite simple in appearance really. He wore a large, plumed hat. His right hand was a hook. His cutlass was at his side, and a parrot was on his shoulder. He looked up to see Ignance enter, and a warm smile split his face. It was apparent that he had not gone to the dentist in years. The captain told Ignance that he had expected him. It was a great thing to have him with them. Ignance replied that he was happy to be there, too. They were together, and that was what mattered.
Ignance asked when the Party would begin, since he didn’t want to take up much of the captain’s time. The captain replied that the party had begun long before. Ignance was startled to hear this, since he hadn’t heard much music. He asked what the party was about. The captain replied that the Pirat Partiet was a political party that existed to do war with the copyright lords upon the high seas. These lords had corrupted the concept of copyrights, and had one creed. The parrot began to mimic a copyright emperor, shrilly professing to want eternal copyrights so that he would never have to lose hold of the souls and the money they covet; all public domain information should be disposed of forthwith, since it profited no one, financially speaking.
The captain continued to say that they wanted copyright reform, since copyrights were once meaningful. Like in America they were only originally for fourteen years. But now they are bludgeons to advancement, just like the series of frivolous patents that are issued daily on things such as software. They have begun to hinder the world’s progress. People get sued for quoting and not paying royalties, which is similar to the Heimlich family. Consequently, they had become the oath of choice here at the Pirat Partiet.
Ignance was moved by the captain’s speech. He had never known how passionate people could be about intellectual property, with the exception of the deranged fanatics willing to destroy anyone who listened to music. The captain thanked him for his kindness. Then, he explained that after they pay their taxes in Sweden, they can’t help but to steal music. After all, there is no money left. Ignance marvelled about how great it must be to be able to pay most of your income as taxes. The captain replied that it was a great thing, because they had free health care for all.
Ignance was astonished to hear that this government actually did something to help its citizens. He told the captain that in America they pay their taxes, and they don’t even get so much as a thank you. Even if they did give their whole income to the government, the American government wouldn’t provide meaningful services for the people. After all, they have too many projects and war expenses to worry about actually taking care of the people.
Before the captain could respond, a great, mighty commotion was heard outside. The captain unsheathed his cutlass and ran into the fray of the battle’s bloody pandemonium. Ignance heard men in suits professing to be from the RIAA and other consortia. He heard these men yelling at the pirates, between sword clashes, that they would pay for their copyright infringement. No place on this planet would be free from the grasps of their power and influence. They would take the world’s money by force, if need be. Ignance also heard the Pirates rallying. Curses were hurled at the RIAA, such as “Oh, go Heimlich yourself,” and “Go do the manoeuvre.” The fighting was fierce and devastating on both sides. Ignance wondered what he would do.
How Ignance Came to be Enlightened
Before either side could prevail, an enormous sea wave came flooding through the complex. They all died.
Ignance found himself sitting cross-legged in front of a tall man in a white robe. Ignance asked where he was. The man told him that he was in a state of Enlightenment; it was somewhere near the Fountain of Youth in Florida. Ignance asked him how he attained Enlightenment. The man told him that since he was a famous person, that was all he needed. Ignance was impressed by this. He had learned the value of hard work and an education were just slightly more than five dollars. He learned that the value of a letter signed by 7h15 15 60d was free reign to escape any troubles that would befall him. But he had never known that the value of fame was Enlightenment.
Ignance then asked what people did in a state of Enlightenment. The man replied that they were enlightened, of course. Ignance could feel the wisdom growing within already. He then asked what had happened when he died. The man paused, frowned slightly, and commented that that was a real tragedy. It was not Ignance alone who had died, but the whole world. It had been destroyed by the effects of global warming. Ignance suddenly remembered that when he was in college there were some crazy yahoos who had been warning against global warming. They had talked about polar bears and penguins losing their habitats, and that seemed like just a fairy tale. He had never stopped to believe it since the US government was ignoring the issue. What threat could it have possibly been? The government would scarcely have any ulterior motives like protecting the oil and other industries in its actions.
Ignance then wondered if that meant that the RIAA was destroyed. The man replied that sadly it would never be. He explained that Beelzebub, RIAA, MPAA, and other such titles are just other names for the devil. He cannot be destroyed. Artists sign their souls over to him without realizing it. Look at how many of their creations are satanic and uninspired after signing such contracts. He told Ignance to consider how few can maintain the ruse of Christianity in their lifestyles. The devil is always wanting more control. That’s what he got with with Dark Ages in Europe. That’s what he has gotten by pushing inane copyright laws throughout the globe. Another Dark Ages came, since learning became prohibited and control was assured. Corrupted government has always been his puppet. The communists say there is no God, only government. Islamic rule says that there is no government, only God. America says there is a God, but they don’t care for him to have any part in government, lest he do something good for a change. All of them enslave the people.
Ignance was impressed with this man. Surely he had all the answers. Ignance then asked a question that had bugged him since the days of college. He wondered if clones really had souls, since they are nothing more than a being with a cancerous blueprint. He was responded to with the wise answer that as surely as there is corruption in America, clones would have souls. Ignance could tell that this was truly an enlightened man. He only had one question left. Ignance asked who was 7h15 15 60d. To which the man responded, that it was the Right Honorable Tony Blair.